Scared.

Here I am, 15 minutes before I need to present my final,

final

English paper as an undergraduate student.

I am so scared.

I'm scared I'm going to cry, after I just put all that make up on.

I'm scared I'm going to sweat right through my deodorant, tank top, shirt, and sweater,

and stand before my professors and peers in pitty pits.

I'm scared I won't be able to answer Ned Williams' philosophical questions about whether or not

Sethe's silence is ethical or not.

I'm scared of leaving my first home with my husband,

my first home away from my family,

my first time being out on my own.

I'm scared of never being in contact with some really great people again.

I'm scared of how long we may be on the Big Island, living with my in-laws,

just waiting to hear if we got a job.

I'm scared we won't get that job we've banking on for the past 3 months.

I'm scared of walking down the stage to pick up my fakey diploma and tripping in front of everyone.

I'm scared of the future, 

I'm scared of regrets in the past.

I'm scared of not living enough in the present.

I'm scared I didn't take advantage enough of college.

I'm scared because I don't know what's next for me, personally.

A baby?

Don't even get me started on how scary that sounds...

A full-time job?

But that means interviews, expectations I'm scared I won't meet, and more stress.

I'm scared to step out into the unknown.

All I have ever known my entire life is school.

I can't ever remember not being in school. 

I'm scared of the moment my parents fly off the Big Island, leaving Adam and I alone with his dad and we look at each other and say,

Now what?

I'm scared of now what.

I'm scared of being bored,

of free time,

of no stress,

of no schedule,

no deadlines.

I'm reallly, really scared of no plans.

I'm scared.

and I need some faith.