Morrie.

I met Morrie about a week ago.

I've been spending more than just Tuesdays with him, too.

I've learned a lot from Albom's book - 

it's a lot to take in in a short amount of time.

I almost wished I had read one chapter a week, gaining a lesson at the same pace as Mitch did.

It's so interesting to hear the same life lessons I've always known from a different perspective - 

nothing he says is new.

But it's still quite vibrant to hear advice from a dying man. 

Pay attention when your loved ones are speaking, as if it were the last time you might hear them.

Death scares me.
I have terrible, nightmarish day dreams sometimes when I'm driving by myself.

And I'll make myself cry, just thinking about losing anyone I care so much about.

The whole point of Albom's book - of Morrie's teachings - is to learn to be ok with death,

so we can finally learn how to live. 

I've never lost someone I was immensely close to.

I know one day that time will come.

And as much faith as I have in seeing my loved ones again, in the next life,

the pain of that waiting period - from their death until my death-

scares me tremendously. 

I suppose I can alter Morrie's teaching to my current maturity state: learn to be ok with fearing death,

if that's what motivates me to make the most of my life and those in it.

It's a great book. Like I said, nothing new was presented to me.

But it was a wonderfully tactful reminder, nonetheless.

I didn't cry.

And that was ok.

Next book: Along for the Ride, good ol' Sarah Dessen

Magic.

Boy have we been enjoying this Christmas break!

Honestly, it hasn't felt much like a "break" in that we have done little resting

We have been go-go-go with my parents, family, and many adventures.

Adam and I aren't used to so much driving, swimming, and playing.

One of my new favorite spots is Waipio Valley. 

It was truly a magical, mystical, amazing place.

Mist, flowers, horses -

I felt like I was in my own little girl fantasy fairy-tale land:

The waves were GINORMOUS. Seriously. THEE biggest waves I've EVER played in.

And of course, as we all know, photos don't do it justice.

Yet I try anyway - cuz it's still fun. 

And, unfortunately, all this black sand turned Adam and I into dirty, ravaging trolls.

But we were happy nonetheless.

The results are in...

Our winning give-away photos are in!

Check them out here.

Thanks again LeeYen. I love them!

Christ.Mas.

Now that I've got my whiny post out of the way,

I can focus on what Christmas really means...

Christ mas.

More Christ.

I know I need a bit more (ok, a LOT more)

Christ in my life.

And when I say "in my life," I mean in every sense of the word:

in my eyes - 

to learn to view everyone as a Child of God, and not judge them by first appearance

in my ears - 

to listen more carefully to the still small voice of the Holy Ghost, who prompts me in every decision

in my mouth - 

to only speak kindly of others, to open my mouth and be brave, or to keep it shut and be humble

in my touch - 

that my hands may be used to serve others, hug others, love others

yes, even in my nose -

that it may never wrinkle up in disgust at anything other than my own temptations to sin

and most especially

in my heart.

I pray for more Christ, and yet I know there is only one way to receive that:

through my own diligence!

Scriptures, kneeling in prayer, thinking of Him before all else.

Christ's gift to me - to us all - can never be repayed.

On this night, I give a renewed dedication of myself

if only to attempt at a gift to my Lord and Savior,

Jesus Christ, the creator of all.

Christmas In Hawaii

It's my 3rd Christmas in Hawaii.

The first year, my dad came out and visited me, but left 2 days before Christmas.

I spent Christmas eve crying in my friend's dorm room,

reading The Christmas story in the Bible by myself.

The second year,

I had only been married for 3 months. 

And we were happy as larks -

a big fat student loan sat in our banks, we had a year to live in a house of our own.

This year my mom and her husband are visiting, we're spending the next who-knows-how-long on the Big Island, and the Coqui frogs singing to me are the closest sound I hear to 

Christmas caroling,

my mom's typing on the laptop the closest sound I hear to snow falling softly on the ground outside my window.

Each Christmas has been unique, have all marked a passage of time in my life, new discoveries made.

Gratitude re-established and reinstilled in my heart.

Yet, they've

never 

felt 

like

Christmas. 

I miss snow, and hot chocolate, fire places, slippers, heavy blankets, long pj bottoms and hoodies,

snowmen, pine trees blanketed in white and drizzled with icicles. 

I miss cold.

and knowing what month it is just by looking outside.

I literally get lost in this strange time zone in Hawaii - 

it's neither January nor June, because it's all the same.

It hasn't been 15 months since I got married,

because really it's only been one long summer.

I feel no sense of a passage of time.

And its even worse not being in school - I don't even know what day of the week it is anymore!

I'm trying to be patient.

I'm trying to remember I live in "paradise"

I'm trying to ignore the many fleeting voices of

"Boy aren't you lucky! Its freezing over here! Let's trade places!"

Ok, LET'S! PLEASE!

Can't wait to be back on the "mainland,"

if only to once again enjoy my holidays 

Free.

G.r.A.d.U.a.T.e.D!!!

We are free!

Moving blows.

But at least now I have time for things like, oh, family, photos, Christmas, learning how to sew, watching the office, and this:

and, in about 6 months, this:

Fly to Big Island in 4 days. Until then, staying with in-laws and enjoying the rain and laziness. 

The Buried Life

(I wrote this post forever ago. In the midst of my mid-terms. Now that I'm in the midst of finals, I thought of it again. This is such a lovely poem. Read it all and you'll be glad you did)


Really loving this poem from Matthew Arnold right now

Yes, yes, we know that we can jest,

We know, we know that we can smile!

But there's a something in this breast, 

to which thy light words bring no rest...

Give me thy hand, and hush awhile,

and turn those limpid eyes on mine,

and let me read there, love! they inmost soul

I knew the mass of men concealed

Their thoughts, for fear that if revealed

They would by other men be met

With blank indifference, or with blame reproved;

I knew they lived and moved

Tricked in disguises, alien to the rest

of men, and alien to themselves - and yet

the same heart beats in every human breast!

But we, my love! doth like a spell benumb

Our hearts, our voices? - must we too be dumb?

Ah! well for us, if even we, 

Even for a moment can get free

Our heart, and have our lips unchained;

For that which seals them hath been deep-ordained

Fate foresaw the distractions that would possess man,

How he would pour himself in every strife, and well-night change his own identity - 

that it might keep from his capricious play

His genuine self ....

and that we should not see 

The buried stream, and seem to be

eddying at large in blind uncertainty,

Though driving on with it eternally

and the best part:


Only - but this is rare - 
When a beloved hand is laid in ours,
When, jaded with the rush and glare
of the interminable hours,
Our eyes can in another's eyes read clear, 
When our world-deafened ear
Is by the tones of a loved voice caressed -
A bolt is shot back somewhere in our breast,
And a lost pulse of feeling stirs again.
The eye sinks inward, and the heart lies plain,
And what we mean, we say, and what we would, we know.

Scared.

Here I am, 15 minutes before I need to present my final,

final

English paper as an undergraduate student.

I am so scared.

I'm scared I'm going to cry, after I just put all that make up on.

I'm scared I'm going to sweat right through my deodorant, tank top, shirt, and sweater,

and stand before my professors and peers in pitty pits.

I'm scared I won't be able to answer Ned Williams' philosophical questions about whether or not

Sethe's silence is ethical or not.

I'm scared of leaving my first home with my husband,

my first home away from my family,

my first time being out on my own.

I'm scared of never being in contact with some really great people again.

I'm scared of how long we may be on the Big Island, living with my in-laws,

just waiting to hear if we got a job.

I'm scared we won't get that job we've banking on for the past 3 months.

I'm scared of walking down the stage to pick up my fakey diploma and tripping in front of everyone.

I'm scared of the future, 

I'm scared of regrets in the past.

I'm scared of not living enough in the present.

I'm scared I didn't take advantage enough of college.

I'm scared because I don't know what's next for me, personally.

A baby?

Don't even get me started on how scary that sounds...

A full-time job?

But that means interviews, expectations I'm scared I won't meet, and more stress.

I'm scared to step out into the unknown.

All I have ever known my entire life is school.

I can't ever remember not being in school. 

I'm scared of the moment my parents fly off the Big Island, leaving Adam and I alone with his dad and we look at each other and say,

Now what?

I'm scared of now what.

I'm scared of being bored,

of free time,

of no stress,

of no schedule,

no deadlines.

I'm reallly, really scared of no plans.

I'm scared.

and I need some faith.

Update

The goings-ons in our life lately, in no particular order:

-My parents have arrived on the island safe and sound, even after a midnight car ride through the flood-warning-inducing rain/downpour/thunder storm

- My senior seminar/dissertation/presentation got rescheduled for Tuesday, so I've enjoyed having it hanging over my head for an extra 7 days (oh, and thats the night before finals start)

- My finals on Thursday are from 9am to 5 pm. Nonstop. 4 in a row.

- I love my husband. I love being married.

- I may or may not have written "condescending," "unexpectedly difficult," and "too high of expectations" on a teacher review the other day, only to have him prove these qualities x25 the very next day

- I graduate in 7 days. A bachelor's degree earned (though not in hand till they mail it to me 6 weeks later) in 

2 1/2 years!

- And with said bachelor's degree I have applied for a job at Starbucks. :)

- We got to meet up with my grandparents who were cruisin' the Hawaiian Islands. I asked a lady to take our picture with my ginormous camera. I was about to explain to her how to use it, and she interrupts me with, "Oh I have one just like it. I know how to use it." Funny, yet disappointing, that the picture somehow came out blurry:

-As is obvious in the above photo, I chopped my hair! And I love it. 45 minutes to straighten my frizz turned into 10 minutes of mild taming. 

-I made this as a Christmas present for Adam's brother's family. And I am oh-so-proud of it. 

-I also made this (Delicious Peanut-Butter Brownies)

Senioritis much?

Laughed my head off at this.

Twice.

I'm in the "3 days before finals" stage.