No Fear November

I met Erin Jane of Jane Reaction while I was going to school at BYU-Hawaii. She's a super talented freelance graphic designer (and just as cool in real life as she is on her blog!). She recently wrote on her blog about an invitation she received to go to a design retreat. She said that at first she was so excited to go, but then the inevitable happened: Fear crept in. She started comparing herself to the other women that would be at the retreat, and was intimidated by meeting them all at once. But then, she thought about how many questions she wanted to ask, how much she could learn and contribute. So she sucked it up and went - and she had a blast. She came back from the retreat inspired and ready to work hard.

I related so well to this situation. I thought about how many times I've been given opportunities - really cool opportunities that would show off my talent and perhaps put me in the spotlight (a place I don't really like to be in), and how many times I've thrown them away because I was afraid. Afraid to do wrong and mess up and everyone would know. Afraid to do right and succeed and no one know. And, usually, those are times that I regret. I regret not giving myself the chance to try.
For example, I was given the opportunity to be an intern as an English teacher at BYUH the semester after I graduated. I even had the head of the English department calling and asking for me. They wanted me. And yet I still feared saying yes. It would have been my dream job - getting paid to read books and lead discussions on them and making other people write essays. But there was a small chance I would fail. That my students would hate me and think I was boring or unqualified or weird or lame. And I got scared. I think that that is a small reason that I pushed for us moving to Maryland - because I knew if I stayed in Hawaii I would take that job and I would be scared. And now, it's my only regret about leaving Hawaii.
Or when I moved to Maryland and immediately got a nanny job instead of a "real" job because the "real" world terrified me.

And then I thought about the times that I felt that fear so strong in my gut, felt the back of my throat closing ever-so-slightly, and my stomach unable to settle. Felt adrenaline coursing through my body and the shakiness of my hands.....felt all of that and just did it anyway. It wasn't that I had somehow shut off the voices telling me I would fail. It wasn't that I had found a magic switch to calm myself down. I did not push aside my fear ----- I jumped head first into it and wallowed around in it  and made myself cry and get dirty and uncomfortable and vulnerable. ...And then when I was done I climbed out of it, dusted myself off, and found that I was just a little bit stronger, just a little bit wiser, and just a little bit braver than I had been previously. I've found that doing things that scare me become monumental moments in my life - experiences that completely alter or shape the person I've become.

For example: In one of my posts, Doing is Becoming, I wrote about how I wanted to be a photographer, and in order to do that, I must photograph (seems simple enough, right?) Well I started praying for opportunities to do just that, and an answer came to me in an unexpected way. What I had meant in my prayers was for families or couples to ask me to take their pictures. But what I got instead was the chance to photograph the governor of Maryland and a regional church official. This was yet another time that I almost threw away a chance to do something cool - something I had even been asking for - because I was scared. I felt totally under-qualified, I didn't want to talk to the "big guys" about model release forms and PR people and all that business....I emailed the guy who had asked me to do it and told him I couldn't make it when I totally could have switched my plans around to make it work. When I told Adam I had said no, he pretty much told me he thought that was the wrong choice. He made me realize I was being pretty lame, so I emailed the guy one more time and said nevermind, I'll do it.

It turned out to be so chill and a really great chance to get my name out there. I had a ton of fun and learned a lot and met some cool people. I'm so glad I didn't miss that chance, and I've even heard rumors that my photos might be used for the church website.

I have another friend, miss Jeanna. She's a writer and she is brave. I didn't say she was fearless, because she is not, but the awesome thing about her is she is doing it anyway. Despite the potential rejection, she is putting herself out there and talking to editors and sharing her writing and receiving critiques and sending letters. She is doing it. When I even just think about sitting down in front of an agent with 5 pages of my own writing I clam up and my heart skips a beat.....and I'm not sure I would be able to do it.

But no! I need to do it. And one day I will. (When those 5 pages are written.....!)

How much more could we accomplish if we had no fear? How much life are we missing out on simply because we are scared? What if, instead of letting fear rule our lives, we let our dreams rule our lives? Fear won't just simply go away, but what if we told ourselves we could do all we wanted to do despite our fear?

November is NaNoWriMo - and in honor of this, Jeanna's got a wonderful challenge on her blog to do something big this November. It doesn't have to be writing a novel if that's not your thing, but it does have to be something you push yourself to do. Something that maybe you've been putting off because you've been scared of the outcome, or scared of the time it would take. Whatever it is, November is the month to be stronger and bigger than fear.


So, what are you going to do this November?
Me? I'm going to write a novel.