The Business of Skin. Fear. The Power of the Mind.

A journal excerpt:


"Things are progressing wonderfully [with my pregnancy]. My favorite part of it all is feeling my little baby moving around in the there. Sometimes his movements are like an explosion, and I can visibly see my belly jump. Other times, he moves slowly, gliding a body part (I don't know which one! A head? A bum? A foot?) across my stomach. That always tickles. It's like someone is dragging a feather across my skin - only from the inside. It's a tickle I can't scratch away. And still other times, when I rest my arm or my hand on my belly, it's as if he wants to snuggle me - or, at least, he likes the heat and pressure of my hand on him. He'll swim right up and rest against me for a minute, not moving, but just pushing against my arm. And during those moments is when I realize there is just skin between us. Just skin keeping me from touching my son. 


Just as there is only skin keeping us from seeing one another's souls.


I think of that often. How incapable our bodies are of truly experiencing our Heavenly selves, our souls.

I think the day I give birth to this boy will be the closest to being a Goddess I can be on this Earth. I will put aside my own body, my own skin, my own pain - and I will go into my very soul, greeting my son on the way and telling him we are all ready now.

For a second our souls will grasp each other, knowing it will be a full lifetime until we experience each other in this way again. And just as quickly, his soul will retreat back to his body, and then...he will emerge from my body, a separate life, a separate human. 

But instead of being disappointed our souls are not intertwined anymore, I will simply be overwhelmed and overjoyed that my skin is touching his skin, his heat in my arms, against my chest, my eyes searching his. 

What a beautiful day - who would not look forward to such a thing as this?

I no longer fear labor. I did at one point. But no more.

I do not believe there will be pain - call me crazy, or naive. Judge me as a silly first time mother. Say what you will.

I accept discomfort. But I do not accept pain. I cannot."

And this is what I must - and do! - tell myself. Often. 

And also a past, never published post from my second trimester:

Things have really improved around here in the last 5 weeks. My nausea has mostly disappeared, besides the occassional instances, and  I have energy to do the things I want  - and more. But the energy is nothing without motivation. That was the one thing I seriously lacked during my first trimester. And it made me feel lazy, icky, boring, anti-social, and lame.  And pretty much I was all those things, and understandably so. 

But since the second trimester has hit, I am unstoppable. I clean, I sew, I photograph, I edit, I craft, I write a 50k word novel, I talk on the phone and in person, I actually fulfill my church responsibilities, I shop, and I also read. A lot.

And most of it is all about this little baby growing inside of me.  I thought that the more I learned about this baby, the closer I would feel to it. While this is true, I've noticed something else, too. I feel a lot closer to myself.  This is the most me I've felt in awhile. Suddenly, doing all I can to have a healthy and safe and happy pregnancy and baby has made me healthy and safe and really, really happy. 
If you had asked me my thoughts on conception, pregnancy, labor, or anything in-between, not only would I have been pretty clueless, but I would have said, I'm a doctor-and-a-hospital-kind-of-gal. And I'll probably need some of that pain medicine, too, though I really hate needles, being on drugs, and the thought of not being able to feel my body tell me  It's time to push. I would have shook my head at "hippie" at-home-births or otherwise similar births (No offense, J). But most of all, I would have been scared. Out of my mind scared. 

And that would have been it. 

But now that I'm big and growing and in love with someone I've never met and know very little about besides the fact that I am in charge of its well-being... 

Everything has changed. 

I don't eat veggies from the can, but frozen in a bag. I don't take the receipt from the cash register lady, but instead look at Adam with raised eyebrows. I cover my mouth with my jacket when I pass someone smoking and whisper, "Save the baby!" to myself.  I lay in bed into the wee hours of the night with excitement and anticipation preventing me from falling asleep, and I just feel the tiny whirling of a baby tumbling around in my belly. I exercise, knowing that the healthier I am, the healthier my baby will be and the easier labor will be. I do yoga, not only to stretch out all areas of my body, but to also re-teach my body to relax and find an inner peace, even when distracted.

And I have officially decided to birth at a birthing center with a midwife. 

And that's where I stopped writing on that subject. I suddenly feared that women reading this would think I was trying to be superior or know-it-all, that I would judge someone who birthed in a hospital or used pain medication. I absolutely do not. One bit. I just know the sensitivity of this topic with women and I didn't want to offend. But now, I have the courage to write this, knowing that I just want to share my pregnancy and birth experience - no harm intended. In fact, I hope I do the opposite of harm - I hope I help someone else out there looking for a different way of doing things!

So, I'll tell you this. It's true. I'm going to deliver at a birthing center, and want my delivery to be as natural as possible. Adam and I are taking a Hypnobirthing class, and I am really enjoying it. No, it's not about me being hypnotized - it's more about deep relaxation and being in full control of my mind, while surrendering my labor to my body. 

As a Mormon, I know women's bodies are a perfect design for delivering babies - because God made them so! I believe in a loving Heavenly Father who wants us to have joy in creation and in our posterity. He made the process of conception loving and tender and enjoyable, and I fully believe in the possibility and capability of a delivery that is a similar type of experience. 

The turn-around point for me was when I found the book Mind Over Labor. It's what opened my eyes to another way, a different version of birth than what I had been imagining and what's been imprinted in my mind my whole life by the media, society, and women around me. Then I began talking to a friend about her Birthing Center and home births, and I realized I could have something different. 

I know, it's kind of a foreign concept for some. It was for me, as I admitted above. And it's even been difficult trying to explain all of this to my mother - who had both of her children in a hospital, with an epidural during the birth of my brother. She's worried about everything that could go wrong, and the safety of the Birthing center. I validate her fears - but I do not have them myself. I remind her that all my life she has been telling me to think positively, and that the power of the mind is tremendous. As we believe, so it shall be. I'm sure deep down somewhere in there a lot of my decision to birth in this way comes from her. 

She has lots of questions - and I'm doing my best to answer them and assure her. And I'll do the same for you. If you have questions, or if you want to chat, about anything - pregnancy related or not! - I'm up for it. I'm not here to judge or criticize, but I'll certainly have a kind and civil discussion with you. 

And, when it's all said and done and that baby is out and my labor is over ---

I'll be completely honest with you. I'll tell you what I felt - or didn't feel! - and if I'm happy with the way things went. 

As for now, I am excited to give birth. And that's not something I thought I'd ever be able to say.