Saturday, June 29, 2013

On when to get pregnant again, being angry with God, and finding a Heavenly Mother. And way too many questions.

This is an extremely personal post, and, as these thoughts have been going on for months now, it's taken me awhile to actually decide to share them with anyone. I emailed a friend about it, and I finally sat Adam down and told him how seriously this all was bothering me, and just allowing myself the chance to talk it out has helped. Now I'm ready to be open about it.

Around Axton's 9 month mark I started to get that tiny little inkling of a thought.....I've got to do this all over again. That is also when Axton started sleeping through the night consistently and I think I was still paranoid about my sleep and didn't want to think about the fact that I'd have to give it up again one day. Adam also brought up the subject of baby number two around this time. All of his siblings are 2-3 years apart and are very close, and he wants that for our family as well. I do, too, but I'm struggling so much with this.

After that I went through a phase where I would ask every mother - whether I knew them or not - if they liked the age gap between their kids. How hard it was, what they enjoyed about it.....now that I think about it, that's a silly thing to do because it's so personal and is different with every child/sibling/parent combination, but I just was aching to find answers. I've prayed about it, I've searched the scriptures, I've pondered it, and still I am changing my mind every single day. Do it this month, do it in 6 months, do it never (so he'll be an only child! Is that such a bad thing?). I even got up my courage one night and told Adam, "Okay, let's do this!" and last minute backed out and said, "Actually, nope. Not yet."

There are so many emotions and fears and questions I have, and all of them lead to another and they all intertwine and affect each other and me and him and God and who is right and will I be punished or blessings withheld?

I have a hard time because being pregnant is hard. It's tiring and sore and it goes on forever. And then I have to go through labor again, and I swear I must have a bit of PTSD on that or something because I have anxiety just thinking about it. And I have to push that baby out of me again and it's going to be hard - especially because I will go natural again. Maybe you're thinking, "Oh  please. Just get the drugs and shut up. It's not that bad." But, I know me and I know I will have guilt if I do things that way, and I don't want to deal with guilt, either - it's no better. Plus, it's just not a route that I want to take. I don't feel good about it, so I have to deal with another route. And, drugs or not, at the end of the day I will still have a brand new baby to take care of, raging hormones and feelings of loneliness and inadequacies. I will still have leaking boobs and chapped nipples, I will have tired, saggy eyes and a tired, saggy body. And on top of it all, I will have also have Axton to take care of - something I did not have the last time around.

I have a hard time wanting to get pregnant again because I want to do other things, like pursue photography and writing, without having to plan around 3 months of sickness, the last 8 weeks of watermelon mode, and then 3 months postpartum trying to figure it all out again. Sure, these are all selfish reasons but is it so wrong to be selfish? You have to think of yourself sometimes, don't you?

I have a hard time because I'm legitimately afraid of the love. I see how much and how deeply I love my one child and I fear what double that love will feel like - because to love is to risk losing. And I don't know how I would survive if ever I lost this love.

Thinking all these things has gotten me into a major pity mode, and I've started to question why God made things the way He did. Why do women have the 'harder' lot? Why do we have to go through this in order for the population to continue? Why does it have to be so difficult? And once you get me thinking on that, then my brain runs wild - Why is sex designed the way it is? Why does it have to be so intrusive on women? [Sidenote: Adam and I have a very mutually-beneficial and respectful sex life; this is not a commentary on the way he treats me in bed, but just a general feminist running list of questions]. Why are women not granted the respect they so honestly deserve in this world?

.......And I search and I search and my mind keeps returning to Her. A Heavenly Mother. If families on Earth are patterned after families in Heaven, then I know She is there, I know she exists. But why is she never spoken of? Why am I not encouraged to have a relationship with Her? I casually brought this up with Adam one night, not letting on how much it was bothering me, and his reply was : "Seek Her out."

So I did. In the scriptures, hymns, and conference talks. Yes, yes, I know that one hymn that mentions it. But really? Is that all? LDS.org brought up ONE talk from President Hinckley that says the words "Heavenly Mother." And do you know what he says in that talk?

However, in light of the instruction we have received from the Lord Himself, I regard it as inappropriate for anyone in the Church to pray to our Mother in Heaven.

He goes on to explain that in the scriptures we have always been taught to pray unto the Father, as Christ taught us how. And that "the fact that we do not pray to our Mother in Heaven in no way belittles or denigrates her."

I guess I understand what he's trying to say. But it doesn't bring peace to my mind or answers to my questions. I'm not trying to shake anyone's faith or to condemn the words of a prophet - I don't want to be angry about this or towards God. But occasionally I am. This topic is really hard for me to share, and the reason I hesitated so much to even blog about this. Probably mostly because I feel guilty for questioning something my gospel teaches. But that's not fair, either! God gave us brains to ask and question so why do I feel bad? It's not often that I have these kinds of feelings and I don't like the confusion I feel and the fact that my heart does not line up with what my gospel teaches. I've always felt that our relationship with God is extremely personal, and that you can receive personal revelation from Him so that your life choices line up with you, the church, and His will for you.

....But right now I'm not feeling any of that. I continue to struggle with not having a desire to get pregnant again. I want Axton to have siblings because I have hopes that this would bring him happiness. I want Axton and his siblings to be close in age because my brother and I are four years apart and we hardly ever talk. And I question if this is because of lifestyle differences or is it really the four years?

I feel like there is this stigma in our Church that the more kids you have the happier you will be, because they bring blessings with them. But will I, personally, be happier if I have four kids or than if I only had two? And if that is true, where is the line? Will we become exponentially happier with each child we bear? I don't believe that to be true, there has to be  a line somewhere. But if it is true, how is that fair? And how can we know where that line is to begin with?

I'm struggling to reconcile what I want with the guilt of feelings of selfishness, with trying to know and understand "God's will" for me. When we pray we often say, If it be thy will. But isn't that why we are given free agency? Will I not be blessed if I somehow, perhaps even accidentally, go forward without it lining up with God's will for me? Again I ask, how is that fair?

Some people have said, "You will know when the time is right." I don't believe you. Because right now I don't know - so does that mean it's not the right time?


The bottom line on when to have kids I think will end up being this: I will never again feel prepared, just as I did not feel prepared for the first one. However, it's worse this time around because I do know what it all will be like. I have not forgotten the pain and I never will. I hope, in my heart, that one day a desire will return. But I fear it will just be one of those things that the guilt will become too much, and then I will shrug my shoulders and say, What the hell, let's get this over with. And that kind of makes me sad but I don't know what else to do about it.

Guilt, guilt, guilt. So much guilt. These can't be feelings from my loving Heavenly Father, can they?

Anyone else ever have similar thoughts and fears? On any topic or question I've asked? Getting pregnant again when you know how hard it is? Searching for a Heavenly Mother only to be discouraged from doing so? Any insights would be great - or even just knowing I'm not alone.

7 comments:

  1. I love reading your blog because it reminds me a lot of me and my feelings with motherhood. I had a desire to have another one when Ethan was around nine months, but I was afraid a the same time...although pregnancy and labor were not hard for me, the newborn phase with Ethan was extremely difficult. I cried a lot and I actually really hated it the first three months and wondered how anyone ever had more than one. I got extreme anxiety and depression...I was literally a crazy lady. After I got pregnant again that fear of having a newborn again came back and I wasn't sure how I was going to get through it again especially with a toddler. However Ethan kept me busy and I didn't have a lot of time to dwell on those thoughts...then the baby came and reality hit. I was afraid to go home, afraid of sleepless nights, afraid of failure at breastfeeding again, afraid of my anxiety making me a crazy woman, afraid of being an inadequate mother, afraid of being alone. Well, it seems The Lord had me in his thoughts and blessed me with a baby the complete opposite of Ethan. Sean is a chill and calm baby and I have been able to get enough sleep to get by and function. It's not easy, but it's easier than t was the first time and I am sooo grateful. I think The Lord gives us what we are able to handle and blesses us with what we need. I have felt that way this time around. Although it is hard, I know he sends me blessings everyday to help me. Motherhood is hard! Don't feel guilty about your feelings, I had them too and now I'm questioning wether or not I want another because two is a handful! But I take it one day at a time with lots of prayer for patience, love, and strength beyond my own. Remember to keep praying...I think The Lord knows better than we and knows when we are ready, and he will bless us accordingly :)

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  2. I've thought of Heavenly Mother, too. I wondered for a long time why we can't pray to her. I mean, I don't just talk to my dad; I talk to my mom. I probably talk to my mom more than I talk to my dad, so how come I can't confide in my Heavenly Mother? But I think, and this is just gospel according to Danica, that obviously Heavenly Mother and Heavenly Father are a partnership, so they talk to each other. I think when women pray to Heavenly Father about matters that no man could ever understand, He does because He has our Heavenly Mother. I think that's part of what makes Him perfect. We can't be like Him without eternal marriage, and so even though we don't directly pray to our Heavenly Mother, someone who would understand everything you're going through in perfection, we can still receive guidance from Him through Her. Like I said, this is gospel according to Danica.

    I read this other blog, so while I can't offer any kind of advice whatsoever in when and whether you should get pregnant again, reading her experiences might help you. http://www.littlemissmomma.com/?s=birth Scroll down until you find the post called "Small wonders" and then the rest might help.

    I love you, friend!

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  3. Hey, Meghan! What a thoughtful post, and about stuff I've struggled with too (especially the pain and the not wanting to get pregnant again, etc.). I'm sure you can guess that I have all sorts of things I would love to talk with you about related to this, even more than we have in the past. But can I save it for in person conversation so you don't get a dissertation right here? ;)

    One thing you might enjoy looking at, though, about Heavenly Mother is an article written in BYU Studies. Here's a link to a brief review of the actual article (which is quite long):

    http://realintent.org/truth-eternal-tells-me-ive-a-mother-there/

    I'll have to dig up a quote that I loved from it (it's not exactly related to your dilemmas here, but it just really spoke to me, and maybe it will speak to you?).

    “Sisters, I testify that when you stand in front of your heavenly parents in those royal courts on high and you look into Her eyes and behold Her countenance, any question you ever had about the role of women in the kingdom will evaporate into the rich celestial air, because at that moment you will see standing directly in front of you, your divine nature and destiny.” (Glenn L. Pace, “The Divine Nature and Destiny of Women” (devotional address, Brigham Young University, Provo, Utah, March 9, 2010)

    Anyway, love you! We'll chat more, and probably we'll do it over chocolate cake (unless it's in July, and then we'll talk over... what? what can I cook that is vegan?).

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  4. I don't know many things- I believe a lot, and I hope a lot, but I can't honestly say "I know" about most of the things in my testimony. Most of my testimony comes down to "well I don't really understand how this can all work out, but I have hope that some point in the future it will." And that's how I feel about my Heavenly Mother. I believe she is there- I believe that Heavenly Father must have a partner, that he could only be God by having an eternal companionship. And I believe that he is fiercly devoted to her. And I believe that he wants to keep her safe. And that's why I believe she isn't spoken of much. The more casual the church or the world becomes about these topics, the easier it becomes to treat it too lightly. I feel like I've got some more quotes around here somewhere- I'll have another look after church.

    I love you babes- and whatever you decide I'll be here supporting and cheering you on. "Even" if that means that Axton is an only child. (I'm rolling my eyes by the way- "even". You've already done so much, and I'm so proud of you.)

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  5. i know you don't know me but i read your blog here and there and enjoy your posts. they make me laugh and they make me ponder on my own life and happenings. i have 4 children 6, 4, 2 and 5 months. (they are 21 months, 20 months and 28 months apart.) we wanted 1 & 2 really close and then because of what was going on in our life we wanted to wait a LONG time before having 3. but when my 2nd was a year old we had that feeling that we should have another baby. I DID NOT WANT ANOTHER BABY. but we prayed about it and felt like if Heavenly Father needed another spirit on this earth then we would do what we needed to. I got pregnant and cried almost every day of my pregnancy (i have a condition that is painful and scary during my pregnancies) then this little boy came into my life and i knew that he was suppose to be here on this earth at this time. he changed our family. he is our peacemaker. then it happened again and i said NO, i can't do it again. but of course i did and i couldn't be happier. i strongly believe that children are sent when they are suppose to be here and in our families. Heavenly Father is all knowing and knows when these precious children are to be placed in our care and we must remember that our timing is not His. good luck! i hope you find peace in this situation because i know that the struggles are real but i also know that the peace is real.

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  6. I'm glad you wrote this post. The comments are seriously helpful, and your thoughts make me ponder. Danica, I really like what you said about Heavenly Mother and Father. I have similar thoughts. I think Heavenly Mother is just as involved and knowledgable about Her children's lives as Heavenly Father is. I am sure she listens to every prayer we say. And I have on occasion said things directed to her in a prayer to Heavenly Father. I know we hear a lot that Heavenly Father loves us more than anyone, but I think Heavenly Mother might a little more (just based on what I know of a mother's love).

    And concerning motherhood. I think you know that I'm just as confused as you are. It is HARD. The only thing I know right now is that I'm not ready for number 2, and if Heavenly Father thinks otherwise he'll make it known and I'll be okay with it...eventually.

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  7. Hey Megan,

    How strong of you to put your feelings out there. I have 3 children and I still feel like their are more to come even though I think mentally I am done being pregnant and giving birth (plus I am also overweight which I hate). Only you can know what to do. I did want to recommend the following book to you though. Eve and the Choice Made in Eden -http://deseretbook.com/Our-Glorious-Mother-Eve-Beverly-Campbell/i/5115691

    It really has helped me realize a lot more of my divine potential and role as a women.
    Good luck and keep praying,

    Danielle

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