Choosing the voices

As you may have read, we recently moved Axton into his own bedroom. He had started sleeping better at night, so we thought it might be good to transition. The first night he fell asleep on our bed first, and then we transferred him to his crib in his room. He slept so good that night and we sighed with relief, flicking the nervous sweat off our brow. Well that was easy! 

We thought.

After that first night, it got rough. It was like that one shift undid all the hard work I'd been doing with Axton the last two months (and it really was work - getting him to sleep better. It was no easy task. I"ll have to share later). The next three nights were back to his old habits and I began to panic. I grew more and more frustrated with every one of his wakenings. He slept poorly at night, and so did I. He was cranky during the day, and that meant I was too. After three days of this, I was trying to get him to fall asleep in his crib, without me having to rock him. Some nights he will do this; other nights he will not.

I was trying the Baby Whisperer method - it's a "no-cry" method where you comfort them when they cry (be it picking them up or just patting their back or whatever it is that comforts them), and then stop when they stop crying. And then start when they cry again. Over and over and over again. The author of the book mentions having to do this with a kid 100+ times one night. This method is a lot of work. It requires an extreme amount of patience. Patience that I just did not have that night. Every time I took one step away from the crib, Axton would start crying and sit up, and I'd step back next to the crib, lay him down, and pat him and soothe him until he'd stop crying. After repeating this process about 20 times, and him still not even close to sleeping, my soft, comforting voice had turned into an angry, "Axton! Lay down! It's time to sleep, now stop this!" As if he could understand a firm tone and a threatening eye. As if that was really going to help. Ten more tries and he was still crying, and I had to walk out of the room. Adam saw how mad I was and offered to take over. I should have taken his offer, but I was stubborn. I had weaseled myself into this dark, angry hole and I wanted to get out of it myself.

"No! I want to do this," I said. (Along with a few other choice words that clearly illustrated to Adam where I was at, mentally).

I took a breath and walked back into that room, but both Axton and I knew my "no-cry" method wasn't working. I was clenching my teeth so hard, thinking this has to work. I'm doing it "right," I'm not letting him cry it out, and I'm not "coddling" him either. I was so mad, so upset that after trying so hard to do the right thing....it still wasn't right. And I still wasn't being the mommy I should have been.

I never did get Axton to sleep that night - Adam did. He swooped in after I stormed out again and lovingly cradled him and slowly rocked him back and forth until my sweet son found sleep in the comfort of his patient father's arms. I cry now, typing this, knowing that that should have been what I did. My answer should have been love, should have been intuition and exception, rather than forcing a method on him that he didn't need right then.

I spent the next hour in bed reading my scriptures and some articles online, trying to shine some light in the dark place I had visited. I didn't like where I had been, and I lay pondering what I could do to prevent going there again.

One thing I decided was to Carefully pick the voices I choose to listen to. 
This means that when I read books and articles about parenting, I have to choose to listen to the voices that mesh with how I really feel my son deserves to be raised, not just how good it looks on paper.

It also means I have to weed out the good voices in my own head, and block out the negative ones. Block out the voices that make me feel guilty, that tell me I'm a bad mom, that I never do anything right, that I keep messing up and I'll never find my stride. I have to choose to listen to the voice that tells me my son is happy, and that he loves me, and that he is blessed.

The other thing I decided was to ask myself three questions, and ask them often. They are:

Why am I doing what I'm doing?

Is it really that important?

Will I feel good about it later?

They can apply to any situation - from wasting time on the internet, to making righteous decisions, to parenting. If I had stepped back from where I was that night and asked myself those questions, my answers would have been:

Why am I doing what I'm doing?
Um, because the Baby Whisperer can do it, so why can't I? He should be able to fall asleep on his own, right?
Is it really that important?
Well, maybe not. Especially if it's just this way tonight. Tomorrow he might respond better.
Will I feel good about it later?
The way I'm doing it now? Probably not. I'd feel better if I just cuddled him.

There was another night when I heard Axton cry, and I just could not find the strength to get up. The selfish voices in my head told me to just let him cry it out. That voice was not really mine, at least not my daytime, clearly thinking voice. Because I've never wanted to let him cry it out. But it's so easy to fall into the darkness trap when you're sleep deprived. So I waited and I listened to him cry. I was wide awake. I did not go back to sleep and it did not help matters. And later, I felt guilty about it. If I had asked myself those questions, my answers would have been:

Why am I doing what I'm doing?
Because I'm tired.
Is it really that important?
Probably not. I bet he'd go back to sleep a whole lot faster if I just got up.
Will I feel good about it later?
No, I won't. I will feel guilty that I let him cry. I've found that I've never regretted getting Axton too soon, and I've always regretted getting him too late.

These two things - Choosing the voices I listen to and asking myself three questions - have so far helped me stay in a happier place, and help me thinking clearly when the cloudy confusion of sleepiness wants to take over. I think they apply well in all areas of my life, too, not just parenting.


*As an update, Axton is once again sleeping much better in his own room. It took a few days of adjustment and reassurance and I'm sad I didn't allow him that, that I wasn't more patient and understanding of that, but I am learning to be better.