How do you know?

Awhile back I had a friend ask me how we knew it was time to have a baby. She asked how to tell the difference between just being baby hungry and when it's, you know, "right." I think if you were to ask anyone this question, we all would have different answers. Here's what I told her:


Adam and I had also originally said we wanted to wait 5 years before having kids. And then that changed to, "Well, we'll wait until we just can't wait any longer."

Well, I graduated in December of 2010 and at this point Adam and I had been married for almost a year and a half. I started getting pretty baby hungry at that point - mostly, I think, because I was finally done with school, we had a job lined up for Adam, and I was too scared at the idea of me getting a "real" job too. So we threw away the protection and left it up to fate. However, I still had my Europe trip coming up in April. I took my chances and figured "morning sickness can't be that bad.....I'd be fine!" Psh. I'm so glad I didn't get pregnant before my trip.

When I got home from my 4 week backpacking trip --- a trip I'd been dreaming of my entire life, and a trip I took without my husband --- my mind had changed quite a bit. I was feeling a taste of Miss Independent, so we held off for a little longer. Then I started my job as a nanny and boy did that really make me not want to have kids. I had such a bad attitude about it and just didn't know where I was supposed to be. I was experiencing a major "stupor of thought" --- a post-college depression, if you will. What was going to make me happy? Getting a new job? Going to graduate school? Certainly I wasn't ready for a baby....was I?

I was seriously depressed. I got up every day at 5:30 in the morning, went to a job I didn't like, and was exhausted when I came home at 5:30 at night. I didn't have energy or time to make dinner, take care of the house, or be a good friend or wife to my husband.

And then at the end of June, my sister-in-law had her baby boy she was pregnant with when we lived with her for 6 weeks. And, if you remember, a week later he died.

I was surprised at just how much this tore me up. I saw how much love he brought into our entire family, what a sweet, special spirit he is, and my heart just......it just ached. Adam and I flew out to California for the funeral. I stayed for a week longer, just to be with Noe and her family. It was during that week with Noe and away from Adam that in my heart I felt that starting a family would make us happier.

I don't think I could say, "I just knew it was time." It wasn't a pre-destined timeline that God was merely making me aware of and that hit me like a ton of bricks and I just accepted it.  No, it was a definite choice I made in my heart - one I did without wagering many other factors. I didn't think about the sacrifices a baby would mean - less income, less time to myself and Adam, less freedom, etc. All I could think about was all the things I would gain with having a baby: more happiness, more purpose, more love. Sure, I thought about those sacrifices in the weeks following getting pregnant, but I never regretted our decision.

At around week 10, I quit my job, thanks to lovely morning sickness. From then on, I felt so much lighter, my mind so much clearer, so much happier. The stupor of thought I'd been experiencing was lifted and I really, really began to feel like.... myself again.

Of course the decision is uniquely made for each couple and family - and even when you do start trying, no one ever knows how long it will take to actually get pregnant. Which I believe is the Lord's way of saying, Not yet my children, but you will be blessed for your willingness.

I really don't think I can offer any advice....all I have is how it happened for us. I wish I could just say, "Oh you'll know..." but I'm not sure that's true. For us it wasn't a matter of, "Oh we couldn't wait any longer," it was the fact that I didn't want to wait any longer. And when that point happened, things fell into their proper perspective. Thoughts of grad school and a different job faded away, and a joy returned to me that had been missing for awhile.

 Yes there are other things to consider like income and insurance, and ya do your best to get them in place, but they should never be the only factor. Those things dont worry me so much -- the Lord blesses those who follow his commandments.

I do think there will come a point where having a baby is the only thing that will make you happier than you are. And thats the only way i feel you can make this decision without regrets - if you know you made the choice you made because it ultimately made you and your husband happy. You are young (though age doesnt matter much either) so you do have a lot of time on your hands....IF you want it.
And even if you do start school or get a permanent job or still live with your in laws....plans can change. :)

I hope this helped or at least gave you something to think about!


and of course you can and should pray, but i think its a rare case when Heavenly Father tells righteous couples to wait on kids :)



What about you guys? How did you know it was time to add a little one to your family? And now what I am really curious about is, for you second-time mommies (or third or fourth or whatever number you're on) how do you know when it's time to add a sibling?