Dear Baby,

When your daddy and I were deciding when to start having children, I told him that I felt like [Your sister] was near, that she was close to us, and wanted us to start. 

It's not her that's coming first, but I still feel it was her idea to get this whole party started. She must have known you needed to come before she could, and she must be getting anxious.
My sweet boy - for that is what you are, though you've known it all along, even if we haven't - we are so excited it's you. As we discuss names for you, the question is not,
"What should his name be?"
but,
"Who is he?"
We are already so excited to meet you.
Your papa is a PROUD papa.
He couldn't wait the five days until Christmas to tell his family;
He called them all up within two days to show how excited he was to be having a son.
I'm excited too; I will love my boys. You both already hold my heart firmly in your grasp.
I will admit,
as much as I am excited,
I am also feeling a bit
clueless.
I know you will be patient with me as I not only unravel the mystery of becoming a mom, but also taking care of a boy.

I hold one thing very dear to my heart, and I want to share it with you.
I dreamt of you once, and I shared it with Aunty Heather in an email on October 29th, 2010. I'm so glad I did - I fear I would have forgotten about it if I hadn't.
Here it is:

Last night I dreamt of my little boy. And he was my first. I remember him crying, crying because he was hungry. I looked at him, and down at my full, naked breast, knowing what I was supposed to do with it but not knowing how to do it and yelled,

"......MOM?!?!?!?!"

He was the most precious child I have ever layed eyes on. And I was so consumed with love for him. When he was 2 days old I said to Adam, "Adam! We haven't named him yet! What are we going to call him?"

I was freaking out and all of a sudden a memory hit me - 

"Oh yeah. We're supposed to call him [name]"

Flash forward to him at 4ish months old, and he's lying on the bed, happy baby boy. And I see in him someone so familiar. I'm kneeling on the ground next to the bed just looking at him and loving him, wishing my love to be a soft blanket on his white, soft skin and deep eyes. And again, a sudden realization hits me.

It's me that's familiar in him.

It's me.

I have been feeling you move and swish and tumble and kick around in there for the past couple of weeks, my already-active and stubborn little boy. 
I love feeling your energy, your continuously-growing strength, your vigor for life and figuring things out. You have the cutest little button nose ever and a short little munchkin chin like your dad's.

We are so happy you are here with us this Christmas, my boy. I hope you feel our love so strong and true and overwhelming. I hope with every beat of my heart you hear surrounding you in the womb, you know it now beats for you.




That sound, my heart, my body, my blood -
it's now all for you. 


We are halfway to meeting you! Take your time in there, but know we can't wait to meet you.


Merry Christmas Baby Boy.