Dear Baby,

When your daddy and I were deciding when to start having children, I told him that I felt like [Your sister] was near, that she was close to us, and wanted us to start. 

It's not her that's coming first, but I still feel it was her idea to get this whole party started. She must have known you needed to come before she could, and she must be getting anxious.
My sweet boy - for that is what you are, though you've known it all along, even if we haven't - we are so excited it's you. As we discuss names for you, the question is not,
"What should his name be?"
but,
"Who is he?"
We are already so excited to meet you.
Your papa is a PROUD papa.
He couldn't wait the five days until Christmas to tell his family;
He called them all up within two days to show how excited he was to be having a son.
I'm excited too; I will love my boys. You both already hold my heart firmly in your grasp.
I will admit,
as much as I am excited,
I am also feeling a bit
clueless.
I know you will be patient with me as I not only unravel the mystery of becoming a mom, but also taking care of a boy.

I hold one thing very dear to my heart, and I want to share it with you.
I dreamt of you once, and I shared it with Aunty Heather in an email on October 29th, 2010. I'm so glad I did - I fear I would have forgotten about it if I hadn't.
Here it is:

Last night I dreamt of my little boy. And he was my first. I remember him crying, crying because he was hungry. I looked at him, and down at my full, naked breast, knowing what I was supposed to do with it but not knowing how to do it and yelled,

"......MOM?!?!?!?!"

He was the most precious child I have ever layed eyes on. And I was so consumed with love for him. When he was 2 days old I said to Adam, "Adam! We haven't named him yet! What are we going to call him?"

I was freaking out and all of a sudden a memory hit me - 

"Oh yeah. We're supposed to call him [name]"

Flash forward to him at 4ish months old, and he's lying on the bed, happy baby boy. And I see in him someone so familiar. I'm kneeling on the ground next to the bed just looking at him and loving him, wishing my love to be a soft blanket on his white, soft skin and deep eyes. And again, a sudden realization hits me.

It's me that's familiar in him.

It's me.

I have been feeling you move and swish and tumble and kick around in there for the past couple of weeks, my already-active and stubborn little boy. 
I love feeling your energy, your continuously-growing strength, your vigor for life and figuring things out. You have the cutest little button nose ever and a short little munchkin chin like your dad's.

We are so happy you are here with us this Christmas, my boy. I hope you feel our love so strong and true and overwhelming. I hope with every beat of my heart you hear surrounding you in the womb, you know it now beats for you.




That sound, my heart, my body, my blood -
it's now all for you. 


We are halfway to meeting you! Take your time in there, but know we can't wait to meet you.


Merry Christmas Baby Boy.

Conversations through a Megaphone

So, I want to tell you guys thanks for your lovely comments.

Sometimes blogging feels like having a blind-folded conversation into a megaphone, not knowing who is listening and never knowing who will reply.

While of course this blog's main function for me is a journal of sorts, something I will one day print out and let my posterity read like my other journals, and it's also a way to keep those far away updated on our lives.

But, it's nice to know I'm not just shouting into the wind for nothing.

And then sometimes I just feel like having a conversation but I can't think of the *right* person to have it with. Get it? 

Like, either I can't think of a person who would care to have that particular conversation with me, or, if I think they would care, I don't think they would have much to contribute to the conversation (like my grandma, for instance).

So usually I just end up having these conversations with myself.

I will give you two examples (and sorry, both have something to do with Twilight).

1) Why do people feel the need to trash talk Stephanie Meyer? 

Look, I'm not a huge Twilight fan. I read the first book, and it was pretty entertaining, but I couldn't finish the rest of the series. Just not my thing. No big deal. And I don't think the movies are all that great, but I think that has less to do with Stephanie Meyer than many other factors. 

But that's not the point. 

The point is not about whether I like her novels or not, the point is, 

Don't you have anything better to post as your Facebook status? 

Don't you have any other photos to have in an album besides 'I Hate Twilight' collages?

I was reading a girl's blog where she actually said she

hated Stephanie Meyer 

and that she had come up with a list of

reasons why Stephanie Meyer should be dead

("First of all, obviously [she doesn't understand] the real world. How [does she] survive in it?)

This absolutely blew my mind.

How dare one person say that about another! 

Come on, guys, we all know that we really don't care if her books are crappily written or not, if you are trash talking her, you're probably just jealous that she made millions of dollars off a love story. In fact, I'd even venture to say, 

She's a freaking genius.

She must be.

She has captured the hearts and money of people around the world in four novels.

Could you do that?

I certainly couldn't. 

One of the smartest girls I know drew serious inspiration from those novels for a large chunk of time --- I don't know why, I don't get it, but I respect her and therefore I must say there must be something to it.

...Sigh. Anywho, that's one conversation I have had with myself, and now I'm shouting it into a megaphone, though I'm not really looking for a heated discussion on this (a conversation is different indeed from an argument).

2) The next conversation I've had running through my head with myself is,

Are Robert and Kristen (the real life Edward and Bella) actually getting married?

If so, HOW COOL IS THAT?????

I would be just tickled pink if Jenna and John (real life Jim and Pam from The Office) were to hook up (though I realize both are already married to other people). It would be like The Office wasn't just a tv show, but reality, and I could  believe everything on it were true and that their happily ever after actually did happen and that unicorns really do exist and that eating donuts everyday won't make me fat and that I will find a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow.

And then I'd really be satisfied.

But maybe Twilight fans aren't all that excited about it? Probably not, now that I think about it. They will probably just be upset that Robert isn't an eligible bachelor anymore. 

I guess I just love to see love happening in others, because I've already found it for me (ahhh.....)

Well.

There you go.

Two wonderful examples of fulfilling conversations I have had with myself, that I am now sharing with you through my giant megaphone of a blog.

And if you just don't care, or have nothing much to contribute,

that's totally fine - I don't even mind. 

I will definitely have a more exciting blog post in the near future.

For one, my dog is turning one tomorrow.

(wahoo!)

And for another, 

I only have five months left until this baby comes.

And I've got some thoughts on that subject.

November and its happenings

November was quite eventful.

- First, and probably most importantly, I wrote a 50k word novel in 30 days, one of the most intense "assignments" I've ever done. I've got to give a shout-out to my writing buddy, Jeanna. She was my slave-master cheerleader, and made sure I always got back on track after any slacking (which was quite frequent). This doesn't mean my novel is "publisher-ready," by any means, but it's a ginormous start. And that's a lot more than I ever thought I would be able to say. 

- My mom came for 10 days to spend Thanksgiving with us. We did lots of fun stuff, like maternity clothes shopping, volunteering at the Goodwill serving Thanksgiving dinners, having our own Thanksgiving dinner, with my bestie Heather coming up from DC. We went down to Mount Vernon and learned all about our first president (we even saw his dentures! Not made of wood, by the way).

- I'm even more pregnant! Go figure! But, I'm feeling loads better. I have almost forgotten that I once was nauseous everyday for 10 weeks in a row. Almost. My appetite is back, and in full force.

(Taken two weeks ago)

- I bought my first BellaBand. And it works! About two weeks after getting pregnant, I tucked my skinny jeans in a hiding spot under the bed (yes they were that skinny and yes I was already that bloated), but today I pulled them back out and dragged that BellaBand right on over them. Bam!

-I've realized being pregnant, and people knowing you are (whether from you telling them or from them seeing a bump) is such an odd thing. There are some days I just want to claim it as my excuse for everything - and I mean everything. Farting, burping, eating brownies for breakfast two days in a row, getting tired quickly, getting cranky quickly, the list goes on. I just eat it up some days! I even love referring to myself in third person, as "Mama", 

or sometimes even....

 Big Mama. 

As in, 

"Mama's coming through!" 

or

"Big Mama's gettin' huuuuunnngry!"

I love it.

And then, there are other days, when I'm just like - I'm pregnant. I'm not paralyzed from the neck down. I can get my own things, no I don't need you to give up your seat for me, I'm perfectly fine standing or even sitting on the floor. I'm sure I will be grateful for other people's kindness when I am huge-r than I am now, but I still feel very capable. (Though I have noticed a much more difficult time bending over while sitting down. That one I may need help with already).

- How big I am really depends on the time of day. When I wake up in the morning, after all my food is digested, I really don't look all that pregs. But by the end of the day, after I've eaten all day long and there just isn't that much room left for that and the baby, then I'm as round as a watermelon. The photo below was taken around 4pm, before dinner. So a nice in-between shot.

How far along? 17 weeks 6 days

Total weight gain/loss: 8 pounds

Maternity clothes? Somewhere awkwardly in-between. When I try to wear my normal jeans, I'm suffocating myself and have to unbutton them halfway through a meal (I did this once in the car and forgot about it upon leaving the car, until I had already shown off my undies to some people on the street. Lovely. But when I try to wear my maternity pants they are sliding down my legs all day long. So  I usually just wear my stretchy pants. In my room. Just for fun.

Stretch marks? No, but I'm sure they're coming

Sleep: Getting better. Bought some additional pillows, including a giant body pillow. This pillow situation has also been a cause for concern - not only does it put unneccessary distance between Adam and I, but it is also oh-so-difficult to switch sides every couple of hours, whilst dragging another human-being-shaped object, tucked between my legs, along with me (the pillow, not Adam).
Also, last night I was just way too excited to sleep well. So many things are happening! My little best sister friend is visiting me in 10 days, I find out the gender in 13 days, I know I'm supposed to be feeling the baby move soon, then my dad comes out, then it's Christmas! I just tossed and turned all night!

Best moment this week: Hearing the heartbeat again, this time with Mom in tow and her phone's video camera running. 

Miss Anything? Um, this is probably terrible....taking medication for headaches? Does that count? I want to go ice skating, but I'm too clumsy for that to be a safe sport for me to be doing right now.

Movement: Yes, I know there is lots going on in there but I haven't felt it myself yet. 

Food cravings: I'm pretty much back to my normal eating habits these days. Though I do crave more healthy foods than junk food.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Smells - everything is just heightened.

Have you started to show yet:  Yes. I'm noticing more and more people's eyes wondering towards my abdomen area, sometimes congratulating me and sometimes just being awkward.

Gender: 75% of the time its a boy, 25% its a girl. And will continue to be that way until December 20th.

Labor Signs: Nope.

Belly Button in or out? My belly button used to be ridiculously deep. To the point where Adam was a little bit impressed with it, and I could never see the end of it. The pit of my belly button never saw the light of day! But! Last night, in bed, I saw the bottom of my belly button. And my belly button is about half as deep now. It looks like a normal person's bb. It's way shallow now. So crazy.

Wedding rings on or off? On. This morning my fingers were a bit sausage-y, but I think that's from the salty Thai food I ate last night, not from my pregnancy.

Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy

Looking forward to: Feeling the baby move. Finding out the gender.