Life at 39 Weeks Pregnant

The days pass so slowly.


I thought when I quit my job that I would be bored. Like really really bored. But the bored-ness never came. I kept myself pretty busy and occupied with projects and friends and cleaning and planning and what-have-you's ......until the last 3 weeks. I feel like all I do now is twiddle my thumbs and hum and haw and sigh and mostly just wait. 
W
A
I
T.


Wait and sigh some more.


Well, I do a few other things, too. 


I've been "assigned' two hours of resting time a day from my midwife to help reduce the swelling in my ankles. This is when I watch Friends. I'm on season 5 now and I've learned a few things -- I like Chandler the least and Monica drives me absolutely bonkers and Rachel looks like my mom and Phoebe is pretty wacko and Ross is a sissy and Joey ....well, he's the best friend of them all. I cried when Phoebe gave birth to the triplets and gave them to her brother and his wife. And I laughed my head off when Ross couldn't get his leather pants back on.


On the days that I have doctor's appointments, which is far, far too often, I take Adam to work and pick him up (since we only have the one car between us. We also only have the one cell phone between us and neither one is really as bad as you would think). So on days that I get the car, I really get things done. Like last week, I had a dentist appointment, a midwife appointment, an appointment to get a new windshield for our car (stupid rocks), a lunch date with Jeanna, a chiropractor appointment, an appointment with my specialist, a Costco trip, and an appointment to get my blood drawn -- in three days! It was nutso. 


I read. I just finished The Fault in Our Stars and am also reading Hunchback of Notre Dame. 


I also am slowly working on a rough draft for a writing contest Jeanna made invited me to participate in.

I cook dinner for us and then extra dinner for the freezer so I don't have to cook when baby comes. I clean up the messes I make (usually) and try to keep the house somewhat orderly.

I try really hard to take Kaleo for a walk everyday, but some days are better than others in both the Pain and Energy levels. Even if it's just a limp around the block, I try to do it. My hips are really starting to kill me. Sigh. Sigh, sigh, sigh.

In other, more exciting news, we gained another niece last week! Congrats to Keola and Phil on their sweet baby girl, Emma Kenani. I see so much of Baby Jonathan in her.






I got a little tired today - as I do most days - so I opted for the quick-and-easy-cell-phone belly photo rather than my usual nicer attempts.

How far along? 39 Weeks

Total weight gain/loss:  55 pounds. I feel like this is a problem. But I'm so close to the end that I don't even care at this point.

Maternity clothes? I tried on the largest shirt I own today and it was bursting at the seams. Yet another sigh.

Stretch marks? Yes. And more.

Sleep: I've been taking more naps lately than I have my whole pregnancy. From what I hear, this is good. Very good. 

Best moment this week: Adam: "There's like a BABY-sized baby in there!"

Miss Anything? People not paying so much attention to me? I don't much like the spotlight on me. I went to the temple last night and it was probably the closest to famous I will ever be. The little old ladies there, bless their hearts, went off about how "brave" I was --- as if I shouldn't even be taking a step out of the house at this point! 

"I hope you're on your way to the hospital after this, dear!"  

"Oh just let her finish this sheet - she's due in a week! She can only handle so much!"

"Are you feeling alright? Do you need a break?"

No, no, and um, no. If I didn't think I could handle it, I wouldn't have done it. And it's either waiting at home or waiting at the temple and guess what I chose? I do enough At Home these days. 

Movement: Lots. And big ones. That are directly on my bladder and they really. really. really. really don't feel good. 

Food cravings: I am preferring caramel over chocolate these days. And that is not typical.

Anything making you queasy or sick: I am a bit more sensitive these days. Just get acidy or nauseous a little easier. 

Labor Signs: My belly measured 3 cms smaller this week than last week -- so he's dropped! Good sign.

Happy or Moody most of the time: I'm pretty cranky in my old pregnancy days.

Looking forward to: His birth day.

Well. I'm off to eat some pineapple. Or do some squats. Or drink raspberry leaf tea. Or whatever else we're supposed to do to get things moving.

Full Term - Now taking bets!

Not that I'm a gambler.
Or a better (bet-ter? One who bets?)

But, if you give your guess as to when this Baby O' Ours is going to make his grand appearance, and you pick the closest date, I will do something awesome for you. I will sew you something cool, or perhaps make you something else crafty, or if you're nearby I might make you dessert or take you out to lunch if I really like you. I can't guarantee how soon after the baby comes you will get your prize, but get it you shall.

SO make your guesses, people! Just be glad I didn't make you guess the gender. Or his name.

And if it helps any, I got my first cervix exam yesterday. I'm 1 cm dilated (woohoo! 1/10 of the way there!) and 80% effaced (thanks to the lovely evening primrose oil I've been taking). And if you don't know what those numbers mean, well that's ok. Because they don't really matter. I still could go into labor today or 4 weeks from now.

Current guesses:
April 29 - Mom --- (I hope she wins. Just because it's the soonest date...)
May 1, Evening - Meghan
Late May 4/Early May 5 - Adam
May 6th, 8 am - Robyn

Ya, not the most flattering angle for the rest of me, but the point is to show how big my belly is, so I had to do what I had to do!

How far along? 37 Weeks

Total weight gain/loss:  51 pounds

Maternity clothes? Well, even those don't really fit anymore.

Stretch marks? How purple they are depends on the day - sometimes they are really light and barely noticable and other days they are in ma face.

Sleep: Same old, same old. Yada yada yada. I get sore, have to turn over, have to pee, you know the drill.

Best moment this week: I had a non-stress test today, which is where they hook you up to a belt and monitor the baby's heartbeat and any contractions you have. They want to make sure the baby's heartbeat accelerates when he moves, and then comes back down, just like ours does when we move or exercise. They also want to make sure he handles contractions ok. Well, I didn't think I was even having contractions, but I asked the nurse and she said, "You're having one right now." 

Oh.

That's what that is?

Good to know.

It was just really cool; I've been wondering for awhile now what they feel like. Though I'm sure they are very minor currently compared to what they will be. 

Miss Anything? My ankles.

Movement: He is still moving and I can feel his little bum up by my ribs a lot lately.

Food cravings: Chocolate. And fruit.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope, not really.

Labor Signs: Well, my cervix is nice and soft apparently, but baby is still pretty high. Waiting for him to drop. As if it didn't already feel like he was about to fall out of me!

Belly Button in or out? Noticeably out.

Wedding rings on or off? Off. And now even Adam's ring doesn't fit!

Happy or Moody most of the time: About every other day it changes.

Looking forward to: Getting him out!!!

Full.

I am so completely and utterly full today.
My belly is big and swollen and full of baby.
I am full term in two days. I never thought I would even make it that far, and yet these next three weeks seem like I will be an old lady before they arrive.
My ankles are full of puffiness - water, blood, and this heat is NOT helping.

My heart is full.
This post made me cry and cry just now. How wonderful little boys are! How happy they make Mommy's! And I get one....I get one of my very.own. so soon.

I'm full of absolute gratitude and awe, and have been ever since my baby shower, of the love people showed to me. My Primary president, Cindy, does amazing work when it comes to throwing parties.
When she first told me she wanted to throw me my baby shower I was so shocked - I honestly wasn't expecting one, since my family is far away. Yes, yes I would love one!

 .....A theme? Um....I don't know. I don't know what he will be like yet. How can I tell you what he will like? How can I even guess?

Will he be like Grandpa and love cars and trucks and tractors and make big noises and crash things into each other?
Or will he be a sports fanatic, like Uncle, picking up a ball and throwing and kicking and running so fast the wind can't even catch him?
Maybe he will take after Daddy and want to take things apart and put them back together again, making them better than they were in the first place. Maybe he will paint me pictures and know colors better than numbers.
Or perhaps he will love to read like Mommy, and he'll want to know letters and words as soon as he recognizes their existence.


I cannot even begin to imagine who this boy will be.

So. We chose airplanes - so he can fly as high as he can in an endless blue sky with limitless possibilities. So he can touch the clouds and be my sunshine, shining on me wherever he goes in this life.

Cindy took the "airplanes" theme and ran with it. It was such a fun party.

Airline Food:

Baby Boy got adorable outfits that I just can't waiiiiit to put him in. And lots of necessities (cloth diapers, wipes, etc.).

 My little Tony the Tiger  

Homemade squeaking watermelon from Jeanna! :)

This is just the clothes he received!

I was blown away by people's kindness. So many gave their time and money and talents just to help our little family starting out. They wrote letters to our son, telling him how lucky he is to be coming to Adam and I, and that if he listens to us, he will be happy and we will lead him in righteousness. Such faith and trust they have in me --- and yet it still pales in comparison to the trust Heavenly Father must have in us. 

And even I got something special.
In fact, it was one of the most special gifts I've ever received.

My dear friend Jeanna sent letters to family and close friends who lived far away and wouldn't be able to participate in my baby shower. They sent back a charm, a photo, and a letter for me.
I cried as I opened the gift in front of the women who were not my family but supported me as such.
I cried as I opened a photo album with the photos and letters, turning each page and feeling the absolute love and faith they all had for me.

I cried as I looked at each charm, each one as unique and different as the person who sent it. Some of them I could guess who they were from right away.

At the front of the album Jeanna wrote:

"Beside me stands the testimony of all these other women who love you and think you're incredible. As their messages trickles into my home, I felt the strength of their love, support, and belief in you ... I hope this gift reminds you of our faith in you when yours is lacking."

My eyes feel with tears again, just typing that. How blessed I am to know there is an entire wealth of encouragement, far and near, when my own fails me!

I have already packed the album in my "Hospital Bag" (Birth Center bag?), and I sleep with the bracelette next to me on my nightstand. Every night I re-examine every charm and think of the person who sent me that one, and what it means. I sincerely feel ready now.

He could come any day - He will come one day. One day not too far away, and I am ready.

Pregnancy Brain

.....it's a real thing, people.

I can't tell you how many times I have put things in the refrigerator that don't belong there (the vanilla, for one).

Or vice versa - things that really should be refrigerated I have found in such odd places (like the milk in with the pots and pans).

And the chicken bouillon cube I just found in with the silverware? Yeah, I can't explain that one either.

Dude.

I am huge.

Duuuuude.

ps Hi, my name is Meghan. I'm 22 years old, a college graduate, and about to become a Mom. And I still use "dude" an inappropriate amount in my everyday conversation. 

How far along? 33 Weeks

Total weight gain/loss: I'm starting to dread this question. But, nothing like a good dose of public humiliation for my pride. As of Tuesday, I've gained 40 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. My mom went into labor at 55 pounds over her usual weight with me - I thought she was crazy, but I don't think I'll be far behind that. Hey, at least we know it's in my genes (jeans?). And it's not like the doctor has been stunned out of their scrubs at my weight with a shriek of, "Whoa there! Lay off the Captain Crunch, missy!" In fact, nobody's mentioned anything to me about my weight. So. I just go with it, ya know. 

My poor feet. 

Maternity clothes? Nothing fits me anymore, but a good rotation of about 5 solid shirts (3 of which are borrowed from J. Thanks again....). I finally had to break down and buy myself a new dress for an upcoming wedding we are attending (WHICH, by the way, I am SO excited to be going to! My first non-Mormon wedding!!! It's going to be a blast. I can't wait).

Stretch marks? Still the same outer hip stretch marks. I'll be very happy indeed if that's all I get. I'll take it. 

Sleep: .....would be nice.

Best moment this week: Just the little movements that happen everyday. It's a real person in there, people. He's all cramped up and moving. His head is down, his spine against my belly, and his toes on my ribs, tap dancing away. 

Miss Anything? Yes. My old body. Vain? Maybe. True? Yes. Understandable? Very much so.

I'm getting very slow and tired these days. I have to change positions a lot. Stand too long and my feet get achy and sore. Sit too long and my ankles swell up. When I walk the dog, it's at a turtle's pace. But hey, at least I'm still out there. Sometimes I wonder what the construction workers I pass everyday think of the big pregnant lady walking her dog. They probably just think I'm due to explode with about 7 kids any day now. 

Movement: See above (the tap-dancing on the ribs part). But especially after I eat. "Mmm! Thanks for the goods, Mom!"

Food cravings: It's getting a lot harder to pinpoint just what I want. I'm always craving something, but not often do I find the right thing to "hit the spot."

Anything making you queasy or sick: No. Just sometimes this baby will wriggle in between a rib or something and it feels like I've got worms in my belly and I just went upside-down on a rollercoaster. Strangest thing ever. 

Labor Signs: Just a big baby and a big belly. Both the specialist and my midwife say that my baby and uterus are measuring about 3 weeks ahead of schedule. (Ok so maybe everyone who has made a comment about me looking "too" big wasn't all that crazy. But still. Saying that to her face doesn't make a pregnant lady feel good, alright?) I hope this means I will deliver at least a little early, but I'm not getting my expectations up. My mind is set on the full 40 weeks, and if he comes early, What a lovely surprise! If he comes late....well.....I hope I make it. 

Belly Button in or out? OUT. It has come OUT of hiding and into the wild blue yonder!

Wedding rings on or off? Off. I have officially moved on to one of Adam's old rings. 

Happy or Moody most of the time: Oh.......both. At the same time. And then throw tired in the mix. 

Looking forward to: Snuggling my little man.

Goodbye Ankles!

I played soccer all four years of high school.
I loved it. When I think back of my fondest memories during those times, it is soccer that comes to mind.
It was when I worked my hardest, felt the best, gained confidence, and had fun.

And, when things like this happened during a game, I felt pretty cool going to school the next day:

Me and my ma, being Bad A --

Even this was pretty cool - as you can see, I got people to sign my swollen ankle. There was once a time when BOTH ankles were sprained at the same time. That was wicked.

Well, the time has come, my friends, that my ankles are now just as swollen, but I don't see anyone running up to sign them with a permanent marker.......

....even though they are ginormous, elephantitis for an even cooler reason this time.

The Business of Skin. Fear. The Power of the Mind.

A journal excerpt:


"Things are progressing wonderfully [with my pregnancy]. My favorite part of it all is feeling my little baby moving around in the there. Sometimes his movements are like an explosion, and I can visibly see my belly jump. Other times, he moves slowly, gliding a body part (I don't know which one! A head? A bum? A foot?) across my stomach. That always tickles. It's like someone is dragging a feather across my skin - only from the inside. It's a tickle I can't scratch away. And still other times, when I rest my arm or my hand on my belly, it's as if he wants to snuggle me - or, at least, he likes the heat and pressure of my hand on him. He'll swim right up and rest against me for a minute, not moving, but just pushing against my arm. And during those moments is when I realize there is just skin between us. Just skin keeping me from touching my son. 


Just as there is only skin keeping us from seeing one another's souls.


I think of that often. How incapable our bodies are of truly experiencing our Heavenly selves, our souls.

I think the day I give birth to this boy will be the closest to being a Goddess I can be on this Earth. I will put aside my own body, my own skin, my own pain - and I will go into my very soul, greeting my son on the way and telling him we are all ready now.

For a second our souls will grasp each other, knowing it will be a full lifetime until we experience each other in this way again. And just as quickly, his soul will retreat back to his body, and then...he will emerge from my body, a separate life, a separate human. 

But instead of being disappointed our souls are not intertwined anymore, I will simply be overwhelmed and overjoyed that my skin is touching his skin, his heat in my arms, against my chest, my eyes searching his. 

What a beautiful day - who would not look forward to such a thing as this?

I no longer fear labor. I did at one point. But no more.

I do not believe there will be pain - call me crazy, or naive. Judge me as a silly first time mother. Say what you will.

I accept discomfort. But I do not accept pain. I cannot."

And this is what I must - and do! - tell myself. Often. 

And also a past, never published post from my second trimester:

Things have really improved around here in the last 5 weeks. My nausea has mostly disappeared, besides the occassional instances, and  I have energy to do the things I want  - and more. But the energy is nothing without motivation. That was the one thing I seriously lacked during my first trimester. And it made me feel lazy, icky, boring, anti-social, and lame.  And pretty much I was all those things, and understandably so. 

But since the second trimester has hit, I am unstoppable. I clean, I sew, I photograph, I edit, I craft, I write a 50k word novel, I talk on the phone and in person, I actually fulfill my church responsibilities, I shop, and I also read. A lot.

And most of it is all about this little baby growing inside of me.  I thought that the more I learned about this baby, the closer I would feel to it. While this is true, I've noticed something else, too. I feel a lot closer to myself.  This is the most me I've felt in awhile. Suddenly, doing all I can to have a healthy and safe and happy pregnancy and baby has made me healthy and safe and really, really happy. 
If you had asked me my thoughts on conception, pregnancy, labor, or anything in-between, not only would I have been pretty clueless, but I would have said, I'm a doctor-and-a-hospital-kind-of-gal. And I'll probably need some of that pain medicine, too, though I really hate needles, being on drugs, and the thought of not being able to feel my body tell me  It's time to push. I would have shook my head at "hippie" at-home-births or otherwise similar births (No offense, J). But most of all, I would have been scared. Out of my mind scared. 

And that would have been it. 

But now that I'm big and growing and in love with someone I've never met and know very little about besides the fact that I am in charge of its well-being... 

Everything has changed. 

I don't eat veggies from the can, but frozen in a bag. I don't take the receipt from the cash register lady, but instead look at Adam with raised eyebrows. I cover my mouth with my jacket when I pass someone smoking and whisper, "Save the baby!" to myself.  I lay in bed into the wee hours of the night with excitement and anticipation preventing me from falling asleep, and I just feel the tiny whirling of a baby tumbling around in my belly. I exercise, knowing that the healthier I am, the healthier my baby will be and the easier labor will be. I do yoga, not only to stretch out all areas of my body, but to also re-teach my body to relax and find an inner peace, even when distracted.

And I have officially decided to birth at a birthing center with a midwife. 

And that's where I stopped writing on that subject. I suddenly feared that women reading this would think I was trying to be superior or know-it-all, that I would judge someone who birthed in a hospital or used pain medication. I absolutely do not. One bit. I just know the sensitivity of this topic with women and I didn't want to offend. But now, I have the courage to write this, knowing that I just want to share my pregnancy and birth experience - no harm intended. In fact, I hope I do the opposite of harm - I hope I help someone else out there looking for a different way of doing things!

So, I'll tell you this. It's true. I'm going to deliver at a birthing center, and want my delivery to be as natural as possible. Adam and I are taking a Hypnobirthing class, and I am really enjoying it. No, it's not about me being hypnotized - it's more about deep relaxation and being in full control of my mind, while surrendering my labor to my body. 

As a Mormon, I know women's bodies are a perfect design for delivering babies - because God made them so! I believe in a loving Heavenly Father who wants us to have joy in creation and in our posterity. He made the process of conception loving and tender and enjoyable, and I fully believe in the possibility and capability of a delivery that is a similar type of experience. 

The turn-around point for me was when I found the book Mind Over Labor. It's what opened my eyes to another way, a different version of birth than what I had been imagining and what's been imprinted in my mind my whole life by the media, society, and women around me. Then I began talking to a friend about her Birthing Center and home births, and I realized I could have something different. 

I know, it's kind of a foreign concept for some. It was for me, as I admitted above. And it's even been difficult trying to explain all of this to my mother - who had both of her children in a hospital, with an epidural during the birth of my brother. She's worried about everything that could go wrong, and the safety of the Birthing center. I validate her fears - but I do not have them myself. I remind her that all my life she has been telling me to think positively, and that the power of the mind is tremendous. As we believe, so it shall be. I'm sure deep down somewhere in there a lot of my decision to birth in this way comes from her. 

She has lots of questions - and I'm doing my best to answer them and assure her. And I'll do the same for you. If you have questions, or if you want to chat, about anything - pregnancy related or not! - I'm up for it. I'm not here to judge or criticize, but I'll certainly have a kind and civil discussion with you. 

And, when it's all said and done and that baby is out and my labor is over ---

I'll be completely honest with you. I'll tell you what I felt - or didn't feel! - and if I'm happy with the way things went. 

As for now, I am excited to give birth. And that's not something I thought I'd ever be able to say.

Lucky 13

Here's me at 13 weeks.

Remember that?

Yeah that was fun.

Here's me (just over) 13 weeks later, with (just over) 13 weeks left to go.

.....and a side-by-side comparison for your viewing pleasure.

Same shirt, bigger belly, and Relief Society arms.

How far along? Almost 27 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 22.5 pounds. That means I weighed in at 159 last appointment. 

Maternity clothes? Someone super special and super sweet sent me some money to buy 

some maternity clothes. It was awesome. I'm not sure I would have given in and bought them for myself, but I really needed it. I bought two super cute Target pants that I've been living in lately.

Stretch marks? I think so. But they kind of come and go? They are still small and pink so it's hard to tell if they are really a stretch mark or just scratch marks.

Sleep: Screw getting up before 8:30. I'm back to sleeping in as late as I want, especially when I'm waking up to pee every night.

Best moment this week: Feeling him move a LOT more. My Primary Presidency telling me they want to throw me a baby shower! So excited! Decorating the nursery. Getting our carseat and stroller delivered today.

Miss Anything? Being lighter. Less back pain.

Movement: Tons

Food cravings: We go through about 2 gallons of milk a week. Milk and cereal, baby.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Not more than normal.

Have you started to show yet:  Yes. Yes, I have.

Gender: Boy. And we're pretty sure we have a name picked out too :)

Labor Signs: Nope.

Belly Button in or out? Still at that halfway point.

Wedding rings on or off? On. Usually. Sometimes in the morning my fingers will be swollen and I'll take my rings off for awhile, but they go back down to normal by the afternoon.

Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy. But sometimes emotional (as evidenced by my last post). Sometimes I just get into funks, too, where I'm not even sure how I feel. 

Looking forward to: Starting birthing class. My next ultrasound. My birthday :)

Someone else super special and generous sent us this, and it arrived today. We are soo grateful and so blessed. I was so excited, I put it all together myself - it's so tiny and cute and green and it's going to carry around my sweet little cuddles! 

This article made me feel a bit better today:

http://thestir.cafemom.com/pregnancy/116191/10_best_comebacks_to_stupid

And, last but not least:

 How cute is this?? Just add little baby boy and my life is complete <3

ps I knew I'd make him a dog lover

An End of 2nd Trimester Rant

In 3 days I will have finished my 2nd trimester. And for the past few weeks, I have been feeling a slight decline in my energy levels and quite the increase in my moodiness levels. Especially when those old ladies at church just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Like yesterday - I got asked again if I was carrying twins. "No. I'm not." And the lady next to her: "And you're even tall." As if THAT'S supposed to help???

"Not tall enough, I guess..." I responded sharply.

I was ok up to that point, really I was, but this next one really got to me. It's all lovey-dovey, pat-pat, "how ya doin' sweetie?" Until the dreaded question:
"So when's this baby coming?"

"May."

"May?!?! You look like you're DUE!"


My mouth literally droooooopppppeeedd in her face. Right in her face, there were my tonsils and teeth and tongue and heck, probably my stomach - but she was oblivious. "I guess I'll stop asking - you've got a LONG way to go still."
(And this is when I wish I could be like my friend Collette and tell her what I honestly think of a comment like that rather than just politely laughing when I don't find it funny at all.)

Yes. Thank you. Please DO stop asking. You and the rest of them who must have forgotten what it feels like to be pregnant because it's just been to dang long for you all.

And then I get all cranky and go deep into my thoughts and I cry for my present "woes" (yes, I realize how pathetic I sound).
I will never ever ever be the same Meghan again.
Good bye to the Meghan in college, Good bye to the Meghan I've spent the last 22 years becoming because it's alll going to change in 3 short measly little months.

Will I ever not feel tired again for the rest of my life?

I am ending a significant phase right now - everything I have ever known about what it means to be me is ending. It's the closing of an entire book of my life, not just a chapter. And, sometimes, just for a moment, it's kind of sad to realize that. And sometimes, like yesterday after church, I think to myself : "I really don't like being pregnant." NOT that I don't like or want to have this baby in me, because I know that's what it sounds like, but that pregnancy is not so fun sometimes. See the differenJce?
Gasp! Terrible, I know.
But seriously, that first trimester? Yeah, it totally sucked. And I wasn't even that sick. But it was icky. For three months straight. And then, sure, I got a perky 8 weeks in there, and boy did I enjoy them, but now I'm just back to being sore every morning I wake up - like I ran a marathon in my sleep or something! -  and getting chided by strangers who feel they know how my body should be looking right now, and being tired and lacking motivation.

And then other times I go even deeper into this emotional brain of mine, and I cry for the pains I know will come in the future:
My heart will never be the same again. It will be ripped out of my chest, torn into several different pieces, and thumb-tacked onto the forehead of each of my children. It will be stretched to its limit, and it will beat stronger with every kiss and hug and smile - but it will never go back into this body. It will always be walking around with my children, from here on out. I realize that. And sometimes I look around me when I'm in public, and I see all these people out there, just living their own lives. And I wonder how often they think of their mothers? Are they close to them? Do they miss them? Do they love them? Most likely their mothers were just like I am now -- totally in love with the little human dancing in them, reveling in each and every movement, altering their entire lives for the well-being of their baby. But I realize as I look at all these strangers - and even myself- that this baby is not mine to keep. He will not always need me the way he does now. He might even hate me during his teenage years and then I'll be replaced with a wife and that will just be life and I'll be happy for him but sometimes I already get sad thinking about it. And all I can do is cross my fingers and pray he will still kiss me when he sees me - no matter how old he or I get. 

.....I know. I know. There are women who would give anything to be in my place right now. And I know how very blessed I am to be carrying this baby, and if I could give every willing woman the desire of her heart to carry their own, too, I would. I definitely would. Because that's not even what this about. I would stay pregnant forever if it meant having this baby. Because it's a privilege and it's special --- but it's also hard. And I think I am allowed to have and share these feelings without getting bombarded with talk of ingratitude or selfishness.

And yes, I will wrap up this rant with my revelation - to end on a good note, the one that keeps me going through it all, the one that wanted me to be in this situation in the first place.

Sometimes, when it's late at night and I'm trying to wedge a pillow under my belly so it won't rip off my back in the middle of the night, and I'm still appalled at the things people think they can get away with, I feel a heavy kick in my stomach. And I stop what I'm doing and put my hand on my belly. And he kicks again - "Hey Mom, don't worry bout them fools. It's just you and me, baby. That's all that matters."
And I hear a voice in my head:
It was never about them anyway.


It never was, and it never will be, about anyone else but me, this baby boy, and the man that helped me create him. And when I stop and feel and listen for that, I always get a smile on my face and the rest of the world around me silences down to a pin drop, and I can almost hear the thundering of this baby's heartbeat tuning everything else out. And he responds to my peace with a few more nudges, letting me know he's in there --

And he's worth it.

For now, he is mine - ours - our son. And that more than makes up for any of these silly little pregnancy heartaches I get.

My First Trimester

My whole first trimester I really wanted to be pampered. I wanted everyone to know I was pregnant so that everyone would ask me how I was feeling and then I could whine to them. Yep, I was that pathetic.

 But I also wanted to make sure we (me and the baby) made it through the first trimester before sharing the news with everyone. So mostly I just whined to my mom, my sister-in-law(s), and, of course, Adam. 

My mom is the best sport ever. She would text me everyday to ask how I was feeling and everyday I would say something really exciting in response, like, 

"Oh I just threw up my applesauce," 

"Saltines aren't working anymore," 

or "Don't even get me started on the raw ground beef in the refrigerator."

And then she would send something sympathetic back, and I'd feel a little better.

Some days I didn't believe that Adam believed me when I said I wasn't feeling too well. I would always throw up just after he got in the shower, or after he had already left for work, and then by the time he got home from work I'd just be starting to feel better and I'd be hyper from sleeping and lounging all day. But he's really been a good sport, too. He helps me wobble out of bed when my back hurts too bad for me to stand up on my own, and he buys me Taco Bell when nothing else sounds good, and he takes the trash out so I don't have to smell it. 

Now I'm getting into my 2nd trimester and the last few days I've noticed a slight improvement. I don't throw up in front of passing cars when I pick up Kaleo's poo outside anymore, I have been able to stay up much later than I could during my first trimester (meaning 10pm instead of 7pm), and I even woke up this morning at 8am, after only getting 10 hours of sleep instead of my usual 12+ hours.

So, I wanted to outline some of symptoms and when I started feeling them. This is mostly for my own record, but also for anyone curious or wanting someone to compare their pregnancy to. Sorry if it's TMI, but really, we're talking about pregnancy here, so you should probably just get used to it or come back later :)

Week 3: Didn't know we were pregnant yet, but I did notice that my boobs hurt a trillion times worse than they ever have before - way  more than normal PMS. I couldn't even lay on my side with my arm resting against me without pain. This was my first clue. 

My next clue, and this one is embarrassing, was... I wet the bed! A grown woman! I was so embarrassed when I woke up and had to tell Adam but he was just like, whatever, put a towel over it. I was mortified. And I had NO idea what was wrong with me. 

Week 4: Just found out we were pregnant, super excited. I weighed 136.5 lbs. This first week I wasn't sick at all, but I stopped craving sweets and started craving SALT! This week I gladly ate tater tots w/ ketchup, french fries, pickles, hamburgers, pizza, raman noodles, chips, and chicken smothered in Frank's hot sauce. I did have some slight cramping, with occassional sharp, shooting pains on either sides of my lower abdomen. It worried me some, but I never bled so I assumed it was part of normal stretching. 

This one was weird - I started walking up every half hour it seemed like in the middle of the night, and I'd have to toss and turn and completely arch my back to stretch my belly out. I would do this several times throughout the night. I felt like I'd been doing a thousand crunches every night in my sleep and my abs would be sore and tight in the morning. 

Week 5: This is when the nausea began to kick in.  I would get hungry fast - within an hour after eating. It was like my metabolism quadrupled. I was always looking for food, but suddenly not much was sounding good anymore. I was beginning to get very sensitive when my belly was empty, and needed to put something in there ASAP. Still sore breasts, always feeling bloated and gassy (poor Adam).

I still wasn't sleeping well; Tossing and turning, and I'd be up 2-4 times a night peeing - I had to start limiting my water intake after 4pm. 

Pregnancy glow? Beautiful skin? Not me. I'm breaking out like my high school days. 

Weeks 6-8: I was still trying to nanny, and it was miserable. I was extremely sensitive not just to hunger, smells and sight of food, but also just the mere thought of a particular food could send me gagging over the kitchen sink. Deciding what to eat and when became a literal torture - but I couldn't stay hungry because that just made it worse. I would wait as long as I possibly could before eating, and then I'd be so starving - I never felt good. 

I started having severe back pain - I couldn't turn over with the strength of my abs or back alone, I had to use my arms to pick myself up and move. I was exhausted everyday from getting up early and not sleeping well at night. 

I also was constantly worrying about the baby. I was always looking up stuff online to make sure a silly symptom was normal. I hadn't had my first appointment yet, and so I felt silly even telling my parents I was pregnant (my dad asked me how I knew I was pregnant  if I hadn't had a doctor's appointment yet. "Um...I got a positive on a home pregnancy test? I haven't had a period in the last 6 weeks? And I'm sick everyday? Isn't that enough?") I felt like I needed to take a test every other day just to make sure it was still in there (I didn't. I stopped after two). 

Weeks 9-12: I still felt very sick everyday, and absolutely no motivation whatsoever. After three weeks of constant nausea, it begins to get old. I stopped feeling like myself and gave up on all projects or goals I had. I didn't want to look at the computer screen or read or cook or move. I was just glad to be home and wearing pajamas. Adam made a comment about the ward thinking I was some sort of social recluse, and that's exactly how I felt. 

At week 9 I started taking belly pictures and writing a journal entry/letter to the baby.

I realize I have to give up ice cream. It makes me wayyyy too mucusy, and then I'm swallowing mucus all day and that alone makes me puke. 

My clothes were starting to get tighter - I felt fat trying to wear any of my normal outfits. I put away my skinny jeans and my high-waisted zip-up skirts, only kept out my "fat jeans," and flowy dresses. I started using the rubber-band trick on my jeans, and only wearing really long loose fitting t-shirts. 

I had my first doctor's appointment at week 10, and got to hear the baby's heartbeat. This was such a relief and a comfort. I started telling more extended family members. A few days later I had a scare when my thyroid levels came back low (I have hypothyroidism - have dealt with it since I was 12, and something I was trying hard to monitor since finding out I was pregnant) and my obgyn told me he wanted me to see a high-risk specialist. Just those words alone scared me and I freaked myself out for the next week and a half before seeing him.

At the end of week 12 met with the specialist - I weighed 141.4. We had our first sonogram, and we got to see our baby moving and kicking, and while we were watching both Adam and I felt like it was a little boy (we find out for sure December 20). The specialist calmed our fears and gave me a new prescription and some advice, and we decided it would be safe to share the news!

Week 13: I have started feeling up to my usual 30 minute walk with Kaleo in the morning again (something I had long been shirking). I've been writing my novel, taking more pictures, starting more projects, and cooking more meals. I've been much more social lately. I still get sick, but I can feel my energy levels coming back. I've been sleeping much better at night - not waking up as much and not peeing as much, and I've noticed a decrease in my back pain. I'm starting to get a bit of a pooch in the front, though to other people I probably just look a little chunky. 

So now that I'm caught up with the weeks, I'll probably do weekly updates. I found this fun weekly survey that I might post every couple weeks just for fun, along with a photo. 

How far along? Almost 14 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: Almost 5 pounds! Yikes!
Maternity clothes? Not yet.
Stretch marks? No, but I'm sure they're coming
Sleep: Getting better.
Best moment this week: Going public with the news! Everyone has been so excited for us and it makes us even more excited.
Miss Anything? Eating raw cookie dough and deli meat
Movement: Nope. Just pretending.
Food cravings: Still salty and meaty and proteiny.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Smells - bathroom, garbage, dog poo, raw meat
Have you started to show yet:  I'm getting bigger, but probably not because of the Lemon-sized (3.4 inches, 1.5 oz) baby in me, but because of gas and some extra pounds :)
Gender: Nothing for sure. Intuition says boy.
Labor Signs: Nope.
Belly Button in or out? Still very much in
Wedding rings on or off? On, and loose - like normal.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Usually quite happy, lately.
Looking forward to: Feeling the first movement/ starting to show more.