Conversations through a Megaphone

So, I want to tell you guys thanks for your lovely comments.

Sometimes blogging feels like having a blind-folded conversation into a megaphone, not knowing who is listening and never knowing who will reply.

While of course this blog's main function for me is a journal of sorts, something I will one day print out and let my posterity read like my other journals, and it's also a way to keep those far away updated on our lives.

But, it's nice to know I'm not just shouting into the wind for nothing.

And then sometimes I just feel like having a conversation but I can't think of the *right* person to have it with. Get it? 

Like, either I can't think of a person who would care to have that particular conversation with me, or, if I think they would care, I don't think they would have much to contribute to the conversation (like my grandma, for instance).

So usually I just end up having these conversations with myself.

I will give you two examples (and sorry, both have something to do with Twilight).

1) Why do people feel the need to trash talk Stephanie Meyer? 

Look, I'm not a huge Twilight fan. I read the first book, and it was pretty entertaining, but I couldn't finish the rest of the series. Just not my thing. No big deal. And I don't think the movies are all that great, but I think that has less to do with Stephanie Meyer than many other factors. 

But that's not the point. 

The point is not about whether I like her novels or not, the point is, 

Don't you have anything better to post as your Facebook status? 

Don't you have any other photos to have in an album besides 'I Hate Twilight' collages?

I was reading a girl's blog where she actually said she

hated Stephanie Meyer 

and that she had come up with a list of

reasons why Stephanie Meyer should be dead

("First of all, obviously [she doesn't understand] the real world. How [does she] survive in it?)

This absolutely blew my mind.

How dare one person say that about another! 

Come on, guys, we all know that we really don't care if her books are crappily written or not, if you are trash talking her, you're probably just jealous that she made millions of dollars off a love story. In fact, I'd even venture to say, 

She's a freaking genius.

She must be.

She has captured the hearts and money of people around the world in four novels.

Could you do that?

I certainly couldn't. 

One of the smartest girls I know drew serious inspiration from those novels for a large chunk of time --- I don't know why, I don't get it, but I respect her and therefore I must say there must be something to it.

...Sigh. Anywho, that's one conversation I have had with myself, and now I'm shouting it into a megaphone, though I'm not really looking for a heated discussion on this (a conversation is different indeed from an argument).

2) The next conversation I've had running through my head with myself is,

Are Robert and Kristen (the real life Edward and Bella) actually getting married?

If so, HOW COOL IS THAT?????

I would be just tickled pink if Jenna and John (real life Jim and Pam from The Office) were to hook up (though I realize both are already married to other people). It would be like The Office wasn't just a tv show, but reality, and I could  believe everything on it were true and that their happily ever after actually did happen and that unicorns really do exist and that eating donuts everyday won't make me fat and that I will find a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow.

And then I'd really be satisfied.

But maybe Twilight fans aren't all that excited about it? Probably not, now that I think about it. They will probably just be upset that Robert isn't an eligible bachelor anymore. 

I guess I just love to see love happening in others, because I've already found it for me (ahhh.....)

Well.

There you go.

Two wonderful examples of fulfilling conversations I have had with myself, that I am now sharing with you through my giant megaphone of a blog.

And if you just don't care, or have nothing much to contribute,

that's totally fine - I don't even mind. 

I will definitely have a more exciting blog post in the near future.

For one, my dog is turning one tomorrow.

(wahoo!)

And for another, 

I only have five months left until this baby comes.

And I've got some thoughts on that subject.

November and its happenings

November was quite eventful.

- First, and probably most importantly, I wrote a 50k word novel in 30 days, one of the most intense "assignments" I've ever done. I've got to give a shout-out to my writing buddy, Jeanna. She was my slave-master cheerleader, and made sure I always got back on track after any slacking (which was quite frequent). This doesn't mean my novel is "publisher-ready," by any means, but it's a ginormous start. And that's a lot more than I ever thought I would be able to say. 

- My mom came for 10 days to spend Thanksgiving with us. We did lots of fun stuff, like maternity clothes shopping, volunteering at the Goodwill serving Thanksgiving dinners, having our own Thanksgiving dinner, with my bestie Heather coming up from DC. We went down to Mount Vernon and learned all about our first president (we even saw his dentures! Not made of wood, by the way).

- I'm even more pregnant! Go figure! But, I'm feeling loads better. I have almost forgotten that I once was nauseous everyday for 10 weeks in a row. Almost. My appetite is back, and in full force.

(Taken two weeks ago)

- I bought my first BellaBand. And it works! About two weeks after getting pregnant, I tucked my skinny jeans in a hiding spot under the bed (yes they were that skinny and yes I was already that bloated), but today I pulled them back out and dragged that BellaBand right on over them. Bam!

-I've realized being pregnant, and people knowing you are (whether from you telling them or from them seeing a bump) is such an odd thing. There are some days I just want to claim it as my excuse for everything - and I mean everything. Farting, burping, eating brownies for breakfast two days in a row, getting tired quickly, getting cranky quickly, the list goes on. I just eat it up some days! I even love referring to myself in third person, as "Mama", 

or sometimes even....

 Big Mama. 

As in, 

"Mama's coming through!" 

or

"Big Mama's gettin' huuuuunnngry!"

I love it.

And then, there are other days, when I'm just like - I'm pregnant. I'm not paralyzed from the neck down. I can get my own things, no I don't need you to give up your seat for me, I'm perfectly fine standing or even sitting on the floor. I'm sure I will be grateful for other people's kindness when I am huge-r than I am now, but I still feel very capable. (Though I have noticed a much more difficult time bending over while sitting down. That one I may need help with already).

- How big I am really depends on the time of day. When I wake up in the morning, after all my food is digested, I really don't look all that pregs. But by the end of the day, after I've eaten all day long and there just isn't that much room left for that and the baby, then I'm as round as a watermelon. The photo below was taken around 4pm, before dinner. So a nice in-between shot.

How far along? 17 weeks 6 days

Total weight gain/loss: 8 pounds

Maternity clothes? Somewhere awkwardly in-between. When I try to wear my normal jeans, I'm suffocating myself and have to unbutton them halfway through a meal (I did this once in the car and forgot about it upon leaving the car, until I had already shown off my undies to some people on the street. Lovely. But when I try to wear my maternity pants they are sliding down my legs all day long. So  I usually just wear my stretchy pants. In my room. Just for fun.

Stretch marks? No, but I'm sure they're coming

Sleep: Getting better. Bought some additional pillows, including a giant body pillow. This pillow situation has also been a cause for concern - not only does it put unneccessary distance between Adam and I, but it is also oh-so-difficult to switch sides every couple of hours, whilst dragging another human-being-shaped object, tucked between my legs, along with me (the pillow, not Adam).
Also, last night I was just way too excited to sleep well. So many things are happening! My little best sister friend is visiting me in 10 days, I find out the gender in 13 days, I know I'm supposed to be feeling the baby move soon, then my dad comes out, then it's Christmas! I just tossed and turned all night!

Best moment this week: Hearing the heartbeat again, this time with Mom in tow and her phone's video camera running. 

Miss Anything? Um, this is probably terrible....taking medication for headaches? Does that count? I want to go ice skating, but I'm too clumsy for that to be a safe sport for me to be doing right now.

Movement: Yes, I know there is lots going on in there but I haven't felt it myself yet. 

Food cravings: I'm pretty much back to my normal eating habits these days. Though I do crave more healthy foods than junk food.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Smells - everything is just heightened.

Have you started to show yet:  Yes. I'm noticing more and more people's eyes wondering towards my abdomen area, sometimes congratulating me and sometimes just being awkward.

Gender: 75% of the time its a boy, 25% its a girl. And will continue to be that way until December 20th.

Labor Signs: Nope.

Belly Button in or out? My belly button used to be ridiculously deep. To the point where Adam was a little bit impressed with it, and I could never see the end of it. The pit of my belly button never saw the light of day! But! Last night, in bed, I saw the bottom of my belly button. And my belly button is about half as deep now. It looks like a normal person's bb. It's way shallow now. So crazy.

Wedding rings on or off? On. This morning my fingers were a bit sausage-y, but I think that's from the salty Thai food I ate last night, not from my pregnancy.

Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy

Looking forward to: Feeling the baby move. Finding out the gender.

Love, words, and other beautiful things

*I started this post a long time ago, and never published it. It's a little bit beautiful to me, albeit quite rambling-ish, so I thought I would finish 'er up and get out in the world.
Especially because I know I've been so ridiculously boring on this blog lately.
I mean, really, two posts in the past month? And one of them a book review?
....yeah...



I have always been one of the most emotional people I have ever met

(followed closely by (or perhaps a little behind) my mother).

I am sensitive.

I take things personally.

I cry and my whole day is ruined over

a dying rabbit on the side of the road, his back legs run over by a car -

and I spend fifteen minutes with that rabbit, my dog tied to the distant fire hydrant, and I pet him - he relaxes at my touch and I cry because that's all I can do.

I cry when we don't have enough money

I cry when my Dad says something he would normally say in a joking voice, but this time it just didn't quite sound like a joke.

I cry when my brother is unhappy.

I cry when others are in pain.

I cry when a boy I hardly knew kills himself - I cry and I ache for his family and it isn't until I distinctly hear a voice from God telling me, 

"This is not your battle."

that I am able to stop crying.

I cry when I become an aunt again -

and I cry when I lose that nephew so soon afterwards.

I cry at commercials, too,

and little kid's movies,

and songs on the radio.

I cry when I'm PMS-ing.

But I also cry when I'm not.

I cannot give a talk in church without crying

(Adam once told me, 

"Ya know, it used to scare me when you would cry in public like that.

But now it doesn't bother me so much because I know you're always going to do it.")

I am emotional - 

but I have decided I will not call myself 

"A wreck"

I have learned to be grateful for these emotions of mine. 

It means I know how to empathize and sympathize

I know how to bear another's burden

When I say,

"I know how you feel."

I really feel I do. 

I am not only more susceptible to crying than the average joe,

I also love the deepest love I can possibly muster - 

holding nothing back.

When I love,

I love with all I own and possess and touch and taste and feel.

I give everything to love ---

and it's hurt like hell on occasion, 

(and I'm not just talking about guys, here, either - 

I sure love my besties from the bottom of the ocean to the top of the moon)

but I've never, ever regretted it.

And I think all of this sensitivity and hyper-exposure to emotions and love and depth and intensity, somehow stems from my love of words.

Pathetic or not, all of this big long post about my emotions was sparked by this book. 

Since my book review post wasn't quite enough for getting all this out, 

I had to keep going.

The day after finishing the book, I was watching Ridiculousness, a silly homemade "Jackass" type show where people are dumb and get hurt, and though I normally would have found it funny,
 it felt irreverent, what with that book still on my mind.

I listened to If I Die Young, and it literally hurt me.
It was too soon, too close, too applicable.

Both Delirium and the song allude to many different love poems/poets, including Cummings and Tennyson, and I've since started reading the first poetry I have read since graduating. It's invigorating.

These emotions of mine were overpowering me, and until I got them out,

I wasn't able to think about anything else. 

I tried vocalizing this....all this, ramble....to Adam,

but it all came out sounding lost and pathetic and vague and childish.
And yes, I'll say it again:
A b.o.o.k. did this to me.

Why is that important?

That's how I had my revelation ---

I am not meant to speak.

Not like this, anyway.

No,

this girl was born 

to write.

I have a burning at the center of me that has been there for as long as I can ever remember -- that is only ever quenched when I write.

Words, language, sentences, poetry --

all of it,

it's all become a system of symbols that somehow get cramped up inside of me and I need, I absolutely need, to release it.

I need to create something beautiful - and words are the only tools I know how to use.

And that is why I am participating in
NaNoWriMo
A friend of mine from my church invited me to participate in it with her, and, at the time, I nervously agreed.

But now,
I am geared up.
I'm ready to try the one thing that has been imprinted on my brain since I learned of the existence of words ----
I'm going to write a novel.
I can't guarantee its length, its complexity, its beauty, its comprehend-ability, or its enjoyment-factor (or that I will stop using words the wrong way)
but I can guarantee I will put my whole efforts in writing it.
I have 20 more days to plan it out, but I can't start writing until November 1st.
And then, the month of November will be dedicated to creating something that was once only in existence in my mind. It's exciting.

If you're interested and want to join us, let me know!