Don't Hate Me Cuz I love Christmas

Whats that you say?
No Christmas music till after Thanksgiving?

I don't think so, girlfriend (or boyfriend, whoever's reading)

ESPECIALLY not when we have to take it down early this year, anyhow

(we have to be out of our apartment by December 20th - so it's only fair, right?)

So, yes, we did put up our tree today. 

And yes, Pandora Christmas station was playing in the background.

Happy Holidays!

(Please note our "Heart Wall", as well.

oh, and.

Homemade Peanut Butter Cups.

Find the recipe at my new recipe blogspot:

housewifedinnerdiary.blogspot.com

I have no self control.

That's right.

I have 

NO

SELF

CONTROL.

I will be the first to admit it. 

I've learned that its better to go ALL out or don't go at all.

For example, when I'm feeling especially fat and junk food-y, I absolutely cannot tell myself

Hey, why don't you cut down a little? You know, everything in moderation?

I would not be successful.

BUT when I tell myself NO SWEETS FOR A MONTH.

NOTHING even RESEMBLING chocolate goes into this mouth for a month!

For some reason, I do a lot better. And if I'm not on a strict sugar-free month, 

then I go ape all over the sweets,

eating ice cream at least once a day

and accepting any and all snacks kids bring to every single one of my classes.

*Before continuing on, I want everyone to know that I mean no offense. These were only my personal feelings and what I needed to do for me. I have nothing against those of you who use Facebook and yes, I do see the positive uses of it. 

Welllll....

the same was with Facebook. 

And so, 

what do you think I did?

Yep. I deleted my account.

I don't know quite yet how I did it because about a month ago there was a Facebook group set up for deleting their FB account on January 1st (Yes, I see the immense irony in that)

and I was like, No way Jose! 

But I think something clicked when I read that.

That yes, in fact I could still lead a happy and normal life without it. 

My thoughts to myself consisted of such things as:

You mean I don't need to know every high school peer who got engaged and see every single one of their engagement, bridal, and wedding photos?

....I don't need someone to comment on my every photo that I posted to make it a good shot, a cute couple, or a funny story?

Everybody doesn't need to know what my "status" is every second of my life?

I was realizing how much of my self esteem I was placing on that silly application.

I didn't like that, I didn't like what it was making me become. 

I knew it was getting bad when every time I did something cool or exciting, my first thought would be,

Oh I need to put pictures of this on Facebook!

or I need to change my status!

When it should have been something else, like, 

...I don't know. How fortunate I was to experience it, or how blessed I was.

I guess I mean,

my first thoughts shouldn't have been gloating or boasting 

(I may have tried to combine those words...and came up with bloating. Though I have been doing that lately, too. But for reasons entirely separate from Facebook)

But should have been gratitude. Or appreciation. Not seeking approval from the rest of the world.

Like I said above, I hope no one is offended. It was a person decision, and I of course don't hate or judge or whatever anyone who has Facebook, because obviously it is not an evil thing on its own,

but it was turning into an evil distraction for me.

And I felt the need to put a stop to it.

I kept picturing myself 3 years from now, knowing if I didn't change my habits now they wouldn't be changed on their own when I become a mom.

I worried I would care more about putting my status as 

Pregnant!

Its is boy/girl!

She's so cute!

And posting photos of my baby, that it would take away from the actual experience and my child. That the business of being a mother would force me to cut time out of other areas just so I could update the Facebook world.

I figured the people who mattered most would manifest themselves, and I wouldn't end up missing Facebook all that much anyway.

....And though its only been a week,

I've already learned a few things.

About friends, my time, myself, my wants and my needs.

That guy who, during his group interview for KPMG,

one of the largest professional services firms in the world and one of the Big Four auditors, 

^{(according to Wikipedia)}

when asked where he would travel if he could go anywhere,

answers, "My favorite place to be is with my wife"

and all the girls in the group go "awww....."

Yeah, that guy?

That's my husband.

:)

3 days alone.

My lovely other half is gone for the weekend :(

Off preparing for our future.

When I came home from dropping him off at the airport, I found a note on our bed, signed

I'll be home soon

and I cried. 

For just a little bit.

The National Security Administration has extended

a conditional job offer!

(meaning, pass the lie detector test, background check, psychology quizzes, and other screening,

and we will probably keep you)

Option A would mean staying in Honolulu for 2-3 more years.

Tomorrow and Friday he interviews with KPMG, an auditing company, for a 

technical advisor position.

Option B would mean moving to California. 

We are happy and blessed to have any opportunities, especially ones as significant as these.

The Lord sure loves to keep us on our toes, yeah?

But.

Either way,

I'm getting a puppy. 

For instances such as this: 

Being alone at night and needing someone to snuggle.

And since my 

head

back

and abs

(yes, I have those, under some layers)

are so incredibly S.O.R.E. 

because I cannot.

STOP.

COUGHING.

I shall be heading to bed now.

Love, love.

Rollercoaster

I'm scared to tell you any updates

Because it will probably just change in a week anyway.

And Now we're getting somewhere....

It is one of the most

bitter, bitter, bitter

sweet.

Yes, sweet.

Times of my life.

I believe it has come to this:

We are leaving Hawaii in 10 weeks. 

The decision was partially made for us, partially based on finances, partially based on...

it's time.

We are both looking for jobs. If you hear of anything for an English major or IT/CS/IS major

please let us know. 

We are currently applying to a company called Epic located in Madison, Wisconsin.

And my heart leaps at the thought of it.

I'd be writing,

and Adam would be ...

computer-ing. 

And don't even get me started on their benefits, it makes me drool a little

(ok, I'll share one: every 5 years a paid 4 week vacation. And -get this-

if you travel out of the US, they will pay for you and a companion to go. 

This company supports life-long learning. Therefore, I support this company)

I am loving the light and love you have all sent my way....

it has not gone unnoticed, unappreciated, or unloved.

No Air.

I am suffocating a little.

Mentally, I didn't think I was.

I thought I was doing just fine.

But lately, my body has been telling me otherwise.

I cannot seem to ever get enough air into my lungs.

I am constantly catching up with myself. 

Skipping a heart beat,

checking my pulse and reminding myself that

No, I did not actually just run a marathon

Though I could have sworn I did.

There is a burning in my chest that travels up to my throat,

accompanied with a dizzy head,

and a hot, busy, anxious heart.

I have never been more aware of my breathing, 

or lack thereof.

Its just a little 

anxiety

I know.

I know it is natural, normal, considering all the changes that are coming in the next 10 weeks,

and also considering the load I put on myself

to get there so fast.

I also know that because it is not affecting my daily life-

I am still pushing forward-

it is not dangerously interfering.

and yet....

I could use some help.

I don't know how many read my blog or how often, but if these words meet your eyes,

remember me in your prayers.

Or,

at least,

send me some light and love every time you think about me.

Love, love. 

ps Erika - thanks for the encouragement already. You're sweet and wonderful.